Wednesday, March 27, 2013

My [BARK]-Blocking Dog

WARNING: This post may contain canine profanity. All pictures have been changed to protect the identities of any actual dogs.


So, I'm entertaining the other night and I'm getting ready to [BARK] her [BARK] when my psycho [BARK]ing dog decides to start a conversation.

Because he is on the other side of my [BARK] thin walls, my every movement and thought are his tapestry to [BARK] up with his [BARK]ing dialog.

So, she says to me, "why don't you let him [BARK] in your bed?"

"Well, his [BARK]ing behavior in the middle of the [BARK] bothers me. I can't be sure he won't get up and [BARK] on the floor or the couch while I am asleep. And, this is MY bed to [BARK] on!"

Well, she saw the logic in that and let it alone, cause she's [BARK] like that. She sat squarely on the [BARK] for a few moments before she full saw my [BARK].

"My God, that [BARK] sure is [BARK], and sure does [BARK] a lot."

"I know! Imagine trying to [BARK] with that?!"

"I don't know if it will ever [BARK]. I don't know if I could."

As time passed, soon she had reached that same [BARK] as I had. We were just about to get down to some serious [BARK]ing, when she says, "You need to do something about that [BARK]ing ! I'm never going to [BARK] with that noise!"

"I'm sorry. I hear [BARK] happens to a lot of guys."

"What are you going to [BARK] about it?"

Damn [BARK]-blocking dog!



I'll show him, I'm blogging about it because the little [BARK]er can't get on the internet to read it... He doesn't have the WiFi key! [BARK] that!


Saturday, March 23, 2013

Nearly Nuptials

I've got 500 words for Dude Write Flash Fiction! This month's prompt is an image given by Joe Cawley:

As she ran, she realized what a bad idea it had been. No matter how much she bunched it, held it, or hiked it, the dress was in the way and in the wind.

It wasn't just a bad idea. It was her bad idea. He'd wanted to tandem jump, how had he put it, "take the leap of faith together."

Skydiving in a big dress had been her worst idea. Blown almost immediately away from her groom from the moment she stepped from the plane, she hadn't had the chance to say two words, let alone her carefully rehearsed vows.

He'd given chase, but without sails, it was pointless. Even tucked into an aerodynamic position, he couldn't keep up. Like a falcon chasing an F-18, he was doomed from the beginning, needing to trade altitude for speed. She secretly hoped he hadn't given up, but that fleeting thought gave way to concern. Did he pull up? How far away was he?

How far she'd gone off course was hard to fathom. It felt as though she was caught in the winds of a tornado. What had the pastor said in their pre-marriage counseling, "life will do everything you let it to pull you apart."

She knew she had to wait a certain amount of time before pulling her chute which further compounded her problem. On a good day, she would have had a tough time getting down in the reception area, but with the limited range walkies she had a ride waiting.

Now, she was beyond the limited range and past even the open range, she had run nearer to the mountain range. These woods seemed endless. Bushes with thorns reached out at every turn to grasp her dress, hoping she would fall. She had the light of the sun to guide her in a consistent direction, but was it the right direction? She stopped to check her walkie, it was silent yet seemingly functional. She gave a brief plea for help, knowing it likely fell on deaf ears. God was listening, but she was sure he was also laughing.

Soon it would be dark and she could probably camp beneath her dress, but she would be by herself, in the woods, in the dark, a feast for whatever life had to offer.

She stopped and looked up to get her bearings and though how amazingly fast an adventure turns into a nightmare when you face it alone.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Alright, Scott! Collaborate and Listen

Ok, this week, I'm teaming up with Dude Write and Bytestories to tell an embarrassing story. Though I'm often up for anything, I do embarrass easily, so this tale will hopefully fit the bill. I have to tell a real life story with a mere 1500 characters...yeah spaces count...starting now. Props to my boss for making the story happen and inadvertently supplying the title.


A hastily called meeting in the shop, it wasn't as if THAT never happened. The day was severely busy and I didn't really have time for a meeting. As the team assembled, I settled into one of the free chairs floating around. The gang was all here, save for the boss.

I looked up as the movement in the door caught my eye and to my surprise, one of our non-IT colleagues walked into the office. She was a friend, one whose birthday I had honored earlier with some lunch. More unusual than her entrance was another of the ladies from down the hall, followed by one of our Sales managers.

Finally the boss brought up the rear of the convoy. Weird assembly of people for a, wait a min...

"So, today is Deanna's birthday and she has a request..." was all I needed to hear.

Of course, he'd been humming it earlier. Retribution and revenge would be mine for this...

"Dum-dum-dum-da-da-dum-dum, Dum-dum-dum-da-da-dum-dum.." like some distant yet not so far away tribal drum beats. Slowly, more people began to play along as I sat in my completely unfortunate state of sobriety.

There was simply no escaping this moment, a moment to give a friend a gift, yet fighting the embarrassment, "Alright STOP..." I yelled.


"Collaborate and listen, Ice is back with my brand new invention. Something, grabs ahold of me tightly, flow like a harpoon daily and nightly. Will it ever stop, yo I don't know. Turn off the lights..."

Seriously, are y'all recording me right now?

Thankfully, I was saved by a hug from a friend.


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

FCUK What IS That Smell?


I did it.

I braved the cologne counter.

I hate cologne...mainly because all that junk sounds French. Come on Eau De Toilette is supposed to inspire me to spray it on?

It was decided, yeah not by me...that given my current situation, I needed a makeover. Sure, new clothes would give me a new "me" but that pales in comparison to a new smell...or so I was told.

A good friend of mine, who happens to be a woman, told me I should give myself a new scent. Since I value her opinion and she has my best interests at heart, I decided to give it a whirl. Could just be that I don't like telling women "no."

So, with several recommendations tucked in my phone, I set out to over-scent-sitize my nose. I don't know about you, but I typically hold my breath when passing a Bath & Body Works in the mall, even an outdoor mall. I don't like my nose to be overwhelmed or "blown." I don't like when girls, let alone guys bathe in their scent of choice and trap themselves in elevators or bathrooms with me. I certainly don't want to be that guy! I want someone to be fairly close to even discern that I smell good, then I want to smell good...not like onions.

So, my list was in order of preference. I figured I would get two, maybe three sniffs in before I would be unable to tell the difference.

My first stop was at Kohls, since I needed socks anyway and I figured if I could break up my sniffing over several stops, I might get a few more.

What I discovered is that Kohls is the place to get cologne if your taste runs higher than Brut, but lower than anything newer. Usher, Sean John, even Tim McGraw have cologne out. I'm sure Bieber probably does too, but likely it smells like teen spirit, and not in a good way. McGraw intrigued me, but only because I thought just maybe he wears it around Faith Hill...can't be all bad, right?

I didn't really smell any of them, mainly because they weren't on my list. I was surprise to see a test bottle of Grey Flannel and made a mental note to tell my friend.

The next stop and place of certain and guaranteed de-scent-sitizing of my olfactories was Macy's. I was told this was home for 3 of the top 4 on the list.

Nothing could prepare me for the onslaught as I made my way toward the parfumerie that is what appears to be about 2 city blocks of Macy's. Women came from all over as I entered the area. Was I making a perfume purchase? Did I want to smell the newest women's scents?

"No," I replied, "I am just looking." (Word apparently does NOT travel about browsers as I had to repeat that line about a dozen times.)

Once I had reached what I was hoping was the sanctity of the men's section, I began my search. I was once again accosted by more sales women.

Finally, I relented and told one, "I need a new smell."

Thus began the endless questions, unanswerable questions. These were not "do you drive a stick or an automatic?" type questions. These were more the "is your favorite color mauve or taupe?" type questions.

I recall one question had two choices and one of them was "clean" so I went with that one, because nobody wants to purposely smell unclean, right?

It is at this point that I SHOULD HAVE stuck to the list. But my list was devoid of brand names, it was simply : 1. Aqua, 2. 32, 3. Original, and 4. Absolute.

Do you KNOW how many colognes are "Aqua?" Let's leave it at a lot!

Anyway, I didn't stick to the list and perfume lady brought over an impressive wad of cards all shaped like little eggs. She started spraying cologne on cards and waving them (like she just don't care.) True to form, after the third sniff, my nose began to bail.

So, who knew that coffee beans are a reset switch? Me neither.

After smelling probably a dozen scents and coffee beans after every 2, I was tired and definitely needed a Starbucks and I don't even drink that. The number of women I see going into Starbucks might have been a clue that I should just put coffee beans in my pocket, but I'm dense.

So I texted my friend and after a few terse messages, the phone rang. She was disappointed that I had not simply asked for what I wanted. Disappointed is probably understating it. What she wanted to do to her phone was scarier than the scary perfume lady, so I finally asked....right as I found one of the scents.

Yup, more cards ensued. Sadly for my friend, I didn't like her first 4 choices. She doesn't actually live near me, so I could have lied to her...but that ain't me. She did have an alternate suggestion of Dolce and Gabbana's Light Blue, so yet another card was sacrificed.



So, then my friendly perfume lady suggested I spray it on my skin because...wait for it...

"Your Ph and body chemistry interacts with the cologne and can change its fragrance.!"

Oh, my sweet Aunt Lulu! I gotta wear this...and for how long?

So I allowed myself to be spritzed with that and another I'd liked from very early on. Then I excused myself to someplace with less bad smells, like the men's room.

After 10 minutes or so of interacting, I realized that the Light Blue smelled funky...stale...pretty crappy. The other didn't smell much at all.

This is how I escaped Macy's with a single bottle of my new smell...

Acqua...just like my friend gave her ex...yikes!


Feels like. Moonshine kinda post...


Monday, March 4, 2013

Take Time Every Day to Laugh, to Think, to Cry

I was out of material this week, so I decided to do something unique.

Watch This :

1 in 4...Wow!

How many people are in your family?

There are 4 in my birth family.

There are 5 in my married family.

What can you give?

Let me ask that in a different way...what WOULD you give to save someone in your family?

This is the 20th anniversary of the famous Jimmy V speech at the ESPY Awards in 1993. It is also the 20th anniversary of the Jimmy V foundation.  Jim didn't make it back to the ESPYs as he wanted to, he passed 8 weeks later to bone cancer.  How inspired were you when he said "Take time every day to laugh, to think, to cry?"

Go here : and click Donate Now.

Give $20, $50, $100 now, so hopefully you won't have to say 
"I'd give everything I have just to have them back!"

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