Friday, September 7, 2012

The Queen of School Security

The Part of Lady Gaga will be played
by Ronald McDonald which isn't a stretch
Mrs. Mynd is a local school hero.

Is she a firefighter? No. A Paramedic? No. School Nurse? No.

Did she step in front of a bullet aimed at the little itty-bitty beating heart of a gradeschool child? Nay!

Better! She keeps creeps out of the local elementary school. She also keeps the "runners" from "eloping" which is code for kids who try to run away.

She wears a cape under the clothes she has on as the principal's secretary.

So, all the county schools use a system called Raptor to determine if visitors to the school are safe. No visitor gets in the school without providing positive identification that passes muster with the intricate system. Once that system sends the OK, a name badge sticker prints out that must be worn while in the building.

Sounds pretty simple, right?

But what if you are Superman?

Can you show your Clark Kent driver's license?

Well, the likelihood is that you should in Mrs. Mynd's building.

She might let you pass, if for instance, you can fly around the building... I wouldn't bank on it though. You've got a better chance of coming in as Clark Kent, then making a quick change in the bathroom, hopefully you don't stick to the floor... you know, cause boys pee in there.

Her tenacity is legendary. She has carded County Executives, County School Board members, and others who might question her authority. Her legend is largely due to one event. I call it....

The Day My Wife Angered Ronald McDonald

Come On!
I'm Ronald McDonald!
It all started as normally as any day could. HA!

Previously, the school had been alerted that they had won a regional contest and would be receiving a visit from Ronald McDonald and a few other important people who would put on a bit of a deal and generally benefit the students at the elementary school where Mrs. Mynd works.

The date and time arrived and in strolled all the important people and one clown. Everyone checked in with Mrs. Mynd and dutifully passed over an identification card. Everyone except Mr. Baggy Trousers with the name badge that said M.

I'm not a clown hater, nor do I fear them, but let's face it, they are a bit creepy.

So "Ronald" enters the office and plays his part of happy-go-lucky clown. Unaware that his destiny is about to take a turn, he decides to try to leave the office to head down to the party. That's when Mrs. Mynd asks him for ID. Though not verbatim, the conversation went a little something like this:

Mrs. Mynd: I'll need to see your identification.

"Ronald": I'm Ronald McDonald.

Mrs. Mynd: Right, but I'll need to see YOUR identification.

"Ronald": I'm Ronald McDonald, isn't my suit enough to tell you that?

Mrs. Mynd: Since Ronald McDonald is a fictional character, it would be difficult for you to BE that person. You do REALIZE that you aren't REALLY Ronald McDonald? (Mrs. Mynd has no filter, which is frequently awesome, especially for someone like me who is more filtered.)

"Ronald":I don't need to show you identification because I am Ronald McDonald and I have lots of fun for the boys and girls. Do you want to deny the boys and girls?

Mrs. Mynd: Yeah, the fact that you are delusional enough to try to continue this facade with an adult makes me want less to have you interact with the students.

"Ronald": I don't have identification on me.

Mrs. Mynd: Well, I'm going to need a real name and someone to vouch for you.

"Ronald": I'm not allowed to give you my real name.

Mrs. Mynd: then I'm not allowed to allow you in the school.

"Ronald": You're going to have to answer to your superiors for this.

Mrs. Mynd: I've already checked with them and have their backing. Have you checked with yours? Oh, I ARE your superior.

Though not the way this story ended,
for Ronald, it likely felt like it.








Another fine tale to add to Dude Write, a place where Dudes...Write.



  1. Oh man, she definitely sounds like someone you don't want to mess with. We have some security personnel at my work that are a bit over zealous. Now for a school, I can see it, but at the place I work its bit of an overkill.

    We have this one guy who usually works the main gate as you drive in. All of the other security officers are satisfied with just holding your badge out the window as you drive by. But not this guy. We call him the Terminator or Robo Cop. He will make you come to a complete stop and check your id... EACH AND EVERY TIME. It doesn't matter that he has seen you drive the same car for 2 years, or that he just saw you come through a few hours ago. Its not like I work for a high risk security company. We make computer chips. So annoying!
    Nice one Scott!
    Michael A. WalkerDefying Procrastination

  2. That exactly how we control access on a submarine.

  3. Maybe if we had more people like her, corporations wouldn't be schlepping their bundles of morbid obesity to children all over the country! This kind of crap wasn't allowed when I was growing up---another thing to thank Reagan for---the deregulation of the advertising to children under the age of 8.

    Sorry, normally I'm pretty funny, and profane.

    LOL, fuck, LMFAO, shit.


  4. This story would only be better if she looked like Grace (the school secretary) from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

    Great story!

  5. Unfortunately, she does not. Younger, hotter, and doesn't lose pencils in her beehive.

  6. "schlepping their bundles of morbid obesity" has any profanity beat. It's some high brow profanity.

  7. I'll be sure to pass on a new career opportunity to her.

  8. I would think security at a Computer Chip manufacturer would be tight. Clean Rooms and optical scanners and other high end gear.

  9. My dad once downed a superior officer for refusing to identify himself after hours at my father's post. He thought he was too important to have to bow to the demands of a private and my dad dropped him as he was supposed to do. Luckily, dad's CO had his back when the officer complained.

  10. Hey, that first photograph was so hot it was hard to concentrate on the rest of your post. But I managed and I'm glad I did. Hysterical.

  11. I wouldn't let him through, even if he got the Hamburgler to vouch for him. He's just too creepy, and would certainly give those children nightmares.

  12. "I'm Ronald McDonald"
    "Your Parents must be proud

  13. Lol, that would have been classic.
    "so you were at the top of your class in clown college?"

  14. The fact that many McDonalds still have the "Sit on Ronald's lap" statue in the play place...yeah that confirms the creepiness.

  15. Was it the arms on the security guard? I covet triceps like hers...

  16. Downed? As in shot them with the bean bag gun? I'd love to have one of those bean bag guns...

  17. Good yarn, WG.

    Can't blame the mrs...Ronald McDonald makes a great foil as:--Bank heist criminal.--Snowboard shredder.--Transvestite nightclub singer.--Cigarette smoking garbage truck guy.
    --High pressure telemarketer.

  18. Way to go Mrs. Mynd you never know who is hiding in a clown suit...........

  19. could be Clark Kent!

  20. Thanks Charlie, I'm not sure he needs to be more than just a clown to be creepy.

  21. I always wondered what happens if you try to walking into a Burger King and order a Whopper meal, while dressed as Ronald McDonald. Now I wonder if you'd even be allowed to cross the threshold...

    Props to Mrs. Mynd!

  22. Well, Ronald is the illegitimate Princely son of Burger King and Dairy Queen, so that would be awkward all the way around.

  23. If she'd been in charge of security at the APEC summit in Australia a few years ago, those comedians would never have gotten through. (I assume that made the news in America?)

  24. Fair play to your wife for sticking to the rules....Ronald McDonlad is after all, only one step away from being The Joker and everyone knows that HE can't be trusted....just ask Batman (after you've ascertained that Batman is who he says he is by providing the relevant identification)...
    Great post Dude...

  25. Thank you kind sir. You did positively identify yourself to my blog, correct?

  26. I'm definitely not the guy to ask what made the news. So are you saying that comedians are evil, I had suspected that for some time.

  27. because Batman has his trusty Bat credit card. At least he did in Batman & Robin? Thank you Joel, not really.!

  28. Awful... That one was just awful.

  29. Oh, damn. I think I've seen too many movie to know that clowns are always the bad guys. Your wife made the right choice.




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