Saturday, November 3, 2012

Left Pinky is No Longer a Toe


Remember when "they" determined that Pluto was not a planet?

"They" were out of line.

Many Very Elderly Men Jumped Six Ugly New...what?

(Am I old that I remember that mnemonic? (Anybody got a mnemonic to help me remember how to spell mnemonic?))



If you will not be turned...
(into a Dwarf Planet)
you will be destroyed!

"They" being the International Astronomical Union (IAU) came up with a couple of tricky textbook rewrites. This unholy union of Astronomers, undoubtedly lead by Senator Palpatine, clearly had it in for Pluto. Clearly by the misspelling of neighborhood below, we are lead to believe that the Europeans (pronounced You ROPE peons) are involved with their Theatre, Colour, Honour, Rumour, Humour. I blame instead the Australians. You know who you are...


Resolution 5A was the first and they felt it necessary to define what a planet is:

A planet is a celestial body that (a) is in orbit around the Sun, (b) has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, and (c) has cleared the neighbourhood [sic] around its orbit [ref].
Further, "They" have defined a new category called a Dwarf Planet as such:

A celestial body that (a) is in orbit around the Sun, (b) has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, (c) has not cleared the neighbourhood [sic] around its orbit, and (d) is not a satellite [ref].

I am the Florax and I speak for the planets.

First of all, we prefer "little planet" if you are going to so designate us.

Second, a planet, by orbiting the sun, is by definition a satellite. So that last one was a dig on the fact that Pluto is barely larger than its own moon and it is not larger than the moons of many other planets. Unappreciated!

Lastly, just because a planet is not packing a gat and cleaning up its 'hood doesn't make it any less a planet!

In a similar move, the International Foot Fetish Yodelers (IFFY) has designated the left pinky toe a "Dwarf Toe" and petitioned that it be removed from the foot.

IFFY has defined a toe as:

A toe is (a) having a toenail that must be clipped regularly, (b) wherewithal to go to market, (c) or not, (d) ability to choose to enjoy Roast Beef, (e) or not, (f) sufficient mass to overcome rigid body masses and gravity to hold the body erect on its own, (g) is not a satellite, and finally (h) a strong bladder is required.

Obviously, IFFY lacks imagination in their resolutions.

Unfortunately for left pinky toe, the nub of a nail that hardly requires clipping and can be brought to correct size by a mere swipe on the carpet, there will be no more "wee wee wee all the way home" for that piggy!

In other news, right pinky toe has begun the callous behavior of rubbing his neighbors the wrong way.



Dude Write


I am entering this into the latest Dude Write starting lineup. Come check out the dudes and their fine posts. On Monday, come back and give your opinion in vote format.



  1. Poor Pluto; it took hundreds of years for humans to find it and now they're demoting it.

  2. Pluto should have the chance to appeal this hasty and unfair decision! Let's help him fight this injustice - where do I sign?

  3. When I heard that Pluto was no longer a planet I thought is that........
    As for your pinky no longer being a toe well's a toe and that is all there is to

  4. Who knew that the IFFY held so much power! Fun read Scott.

  5. Thanks Michael, I needed to write silly again!

  6. Perhaps when he stars in the next Star Wars film, he will get his bully pulpit.

  7. Indeed, Chubby. Who are to decide!

  8. If we grant Pluto planet status, who's next, Popeye and Olive Oyl? We have to draw the line somewhere.

  9. It sure looks like both my pinky toes are goners now according to the IFFY definition, with this said I have a feeling I will be walking bowlegged real soon.

  10. I believe that may have been "bluto" but he might also/alternatively the character in Animal House.

  11. It's an IFFY proposition...

  12. LMAO so it's not just my pinky toe that has to be pampered and cultivated and pedicured regularly to maintain it's nail? Still giggling.

  13. I'm not sure mine would bleed if it came off.

  14. Hilarious piece, Scott. This is definitely up there on my favorite posts, and not just because I also have a special place in my heart for Pluto.

  15. This was so funny! Loved it. I do believe my pinky toe qualifies as a toe. Or not.

  16. Thanks, this is one of those posts that has rattled around for a while. It feels good to finish one of them. The voices are starting to speak to me again.

  17. Good to hear it. IFFY wants us all to limp.




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