Wednesday, March 13, 2013

FCUK What IS That Smell?

Seriously?

I did it.

I braved the cologne counter.

I hate cologne...mainly because all that junk sounds French. Come on Eau De Toilette is supposed to inspire me to spray it on?

It was decided, yeah not by me...that given my current situation, I needed a makeover. Sure, new clothes would give me a new "me" but that pales in comparison to a new smell...or so I was told.

A good friend of mine, who happens to be a woman, told me I should give myself a new scent. Since I value her opinion and she has my best interests at heart, I decided to give it a whirl. Could just be that I don't like telling women "no."

So, with several recommendations tucked in my phone, I set out to over-scent-sitize my nose. I don't know about you, but I typically hold my breath when passing a Bath & Body Works in the mall, even an outdoor mall. I don't like my nose to be overwhelmed or "blown." I don't like when girls, let alone guys bathe in their scent of choice and trap themselves in elevators or bathrooms with me. I certainly don't want to be that guy! I want someone to be fairly close to even discern that I smell good, then I want to smell good...not like onions.

So, my list was in order of preference. I figured I would get two, maybe three sniffs in before I would be unable to tell the difference.

My first stop was at Kohls, since I needed socks anyway and I figured if I could break up my sniffing over several stops, I might get a few more.

What I discovered is that Kohls is the place to get cologne if your taste runs higher than Brut, but lower than anything newer. Usher, Sean John, even Tim McGraw have cologne out. I'm sure Bieber probably does too, but likely it smells like teen spirit, and not in a good way. McGraw intrigued me, but only because I thought just maybe he wears it around Faith Hill...can't be all bad, right?

I didn't really smell any of them, mainly because they weren't on my list. I was surprise to see a test bottle of Grey Flannel and made a mental note to tell my friend.

The next stop and place of certain and guaranteed de-scent-sitizing of my olfactories was Macy's. I was told this was home for 3 of the top 4 on the list.

Nothing could prepare me for the onslaught as I made my way toward the parfumerie that is what appears to be about 2 city blocks of Macy's. Women came from all over as I entered the area. Was I making a perfume purchase? Did I want to smell the newest women's scents?

"No," I replied, "I am just looking." (Word apparently does NOT travel about browsers as I had to repeat that line about a dozen times.)

Once I had reached what I was hoping was the sanctity of the men's section, I began my search. I was once again accosted by more sales women.

Finally, I relented and told one, "I need a new smell."

Thus began the endless questions, unanswerable questions. These were not "do you drive a stick or an automatic?" type questions. These were more the "is your favorite color mauve or taupe?" type questions.

I recall one question had two choices and one of them was "clean" so I went with that one, because nobody wants to purposely smell unclean, right?

It is at this point that I SHOULD HAVE stuck to the list. But my list was devoid of brand names, it was simply : 1. Aqua, 2. 32, 3. Original, and 4. Absolute.

Do you KNOW how many colognes are "Aqua?" Let's leave it at a lot!

Anyway, I didn't stick to the list and perfume lady brought over an impressive wad of cards all shaped like little eggs. She started spraying cologne on cards and waving them (like she just don't care.) True to form, after the third sniff, my nose began to bail.

So, who knew that coffee beans are a reset switch? Me neither.

After smelling probably a dozen scents and coffee beans after every 2, I was tired and definitely needed a Starbucks and I don't even drink that. The number of women I see going into Starbucks might have been a clue that I should just put coffee beans in my pocket, but I'm dense.

So I texted my friend and after a few terse messages, the phone rang. She was disappointed that I had not simply asked for what I wanted. Disappointed is probably understating it. What she wanted to do to her phone was scarier than the scary perfume lady, so I finally asked....right as I found one of the scents.

Yup, more cards ensued. Sadly for my friend, I didn't like her first 4 choices. She doesn't actually live near me, so I could have lied to her...but that ain't me. She did have an alternate suggestion of Dolce and Gabbana's Light Blue, so yet another card was sacrificed.

Not...

Bad...

So, then my friendly perfume lady suggested I spray it on my skin because...wait for it...

"Your Ph and body chemistry interacts with the cologne and can change its fragrance.!"

Oh, my sweet Aunt Lulu! I gotta wear this...and for how long?

So I allowed myself to be spritzed with that and another I'd liked from very early on. Then I excused myself to someplace with less bad smells, like the men's room.

After 10 minutes or so of interacting, I realized that the Light Blue smelled funky...stale...pretty crappy. The other didn't smell much at all.

This is how I escaped Macy's with a single bottle of my new smell...

Acqua...just like my friend gave her ex...yikes!

 

Feels like. Moonshine kinda post...

 

41 comments:

  1. Ya know there is nothing more frustrating than a man who won't even ask for directions in a department store? When you have them on the phone and you have to say, "ASK. Ask if they carry it. ASK SOMEONE!" and the man still doesn't do it. :) I'm glad you found a scent, even if it is currently being worn daily by the ex of some extremely frustrated woman. Besides, the counter girl is right. Cologne smells different on everyone's skin. You probably smell far different than her ex.

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  2. I so get you on the scent thing, I can't stand 95% of most bottled fragrances. They make my nose itch! There's a person who comes into my work that douses herself in some kind of stripper perfume in the office and I gag every time, it's so bad. A few fragrances I like but only if they are applied in very subtle quantities.

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  3. It really is true that fragrances put on your skin will smell differently. So especially if your purchase is in the 3 digits and up, you want to make sure that you actually like the fragrance after wearing it for at least 15-20 mins. Scents that don't work for you will smell skunky to you. Stuff that will work will smell pleasant.


    I too agree that most people who *DUNK* themselves in fragrance, and therefor impose their nasty smell on the entire office, should be tarred, feathered and dunked in something nasty themselves! It is so freaking rude when people do this.


    Secondly, a lot of people (including myself) have chemical sensitivities. I can no longer wear perfume myself, let alone anything that isn't completely natural on my skin at all. So smelling intense chemicals (bad or good smelling) makes me physically ill. This is why many offices have an unspoken rule that you do not wear fragrances in the office, period.


    Honestly? I'm not shy when it happens to me either. I will blatantly tell the person their perfume/cologne is WAY too strong lol


    My brother and father bathed in Old Spice while I was growing up. To this day I will retch and gag if I smell it!

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  4. Good choice! Scent is important. I wouldn't necessarily not date someone if I didn't like their scent, but if i do like it, it makes them more memorable.

    I don't really wear perfume, but do use scented lotion, cause it seems less over powering. I am super picky like you about the scents I will wear. I like it to be soft and feminine and that's it.

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  5. Well, we like you soft and feminine so it's good that's what you're going for.
    I'm pretty happy with it so far.

    WG

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  6. How could I forget Old Spice...

    I remember my dad didn't wear cologne, always seemed to have a bottle of something I could try...lol.
    WG

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  7. "Stripper perfume" is going to be my new phrase...hopefully I don't use it too much or too properly...
    WG

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  8. I can't imagine why any woman would talk to a guy like that who is all "take chargey" but not in a smart way.
    WG

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  9. hahaha, "like the men's room" - Zing

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  10. Michael G D'AgostinoMarch 15, 2013 at 10:32 AM

    So you spent all that time and money on what turned out to be water. I once did exactly the same thing.

    I've got an award for you on my blog.

    http://michaeldagostino.blogspot.com.au/2013/03/oh-look-award.html

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  11. I can't stand any colognes or perfumes. If I have to pass through the department, I hurry as quickly as possible.

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  12. Yeah, normally me too. I think for me it is nasal confusion...too many smells all at once.

    WG

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  13. Not smelling like onions - the proudest achievement of any man's adult live! Congratulations :D

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  14. Now to avoid smelling like, yet while still eating...garlic and onions. Too much science for me!
    WG

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  15. Gah! I actually asked if my husband and I could switch tables once because the male half of the couple near us was drowning in cologne. If I could swim, I would have tried to save him, but too bad. Don't be that guy!

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  16. "I need a new smell" -- ha ha ha! I'm with the anti-cologne crowd, generally, unless it's on someone I REALLY REALLY like, and then I start to identify the smell with the person... mmm :)

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  17. That sounds like a pleasant reminder for you. I like just enough that when you're close to someone you realize they are wearing it.
    WG

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  18. You can't swim? You gotta learn that soon, ya know before you're all grown up.
    But I so know what you're talking about. It's like when a hotel room has that disinfectant smell. I always wonder who was killed in there.
    WG

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  19. Natalie the SingingfoolMarch 17, 2013 at 1:53 PM

    I hate looking for new smells! Once I find one, I stick with it for as long as they still manufacture it...

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  20. Clearly, I don't shop often and I usually wait until what I have is about 3 years beyond expiration.

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  21. Oh I am so with you. Perfume or cologne shopping is torture for me. I hate it!
    I am glad that you got a scent that you dig though. Makes the whole ordeal worth it.

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  22. Bleh. I absolutely can't stand 'perfume counters', and honestly I haven't enjoyed the smell of perfume or cologne in the past 15 years. You could always just go with a soap that smells good and skip the spritz :D

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  23. They hound you when walking through the perfume department. No, no and NO! "Could just be that I don't like telling women "no."" Love this line ;-) and your choice! Thanks for the laugh!

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  24. My husband is a Calvin Klein Obsession guy. Now, I don't know how you're gonna take this, but you remind me of my dad. :-)

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  25. Yeah, smelling nice, yet not overpowering is tough.


    WG

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  26. Funny thing was after I bought it, one of my friends commented that I should make sure my soap, deo and cologne didn't clash....head hurts now from all the planning.

    WG

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  27. Laughter is my aim, thanks for giving in and letting me.


    WG

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  28. So long as it is your dad in a good way... Not the sits in his BarcaLounger in his boxers kind of way.

    WG

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  29. I really hate perfumes, colognes, any smelly things. But I do need socks, and Kohl's is my go to! Thanks for the reminder.

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  30. One of the many services I offer...unknowingly :)

    WG

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  31. You've confirmed that I should never, ever, ever go shopping for fragrances. Ever.

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  32. Crap. I didn't mean to sound like that break-up song.

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  33. Oh, you totally blew the never say never....Beiber style...lol

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  34. My first post for the A to Z Challenge is A for Allergies and this is exactly what I wrote about. Due to my aversion to artificial scents, I cannot tolerate perfumes or colognes. I get a wanging headache within seconds and don't go anywhere near those counters.

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  35. Sad to hear, though if I had to choose something natural (not onions) would be nicer.

    WG

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  36. I purposely avoid thhe perfume counters at Macy's. the last time I was by one, my jerk friend sprayed my down with Justin Beiber perfume. I could barely keep the teenagers off me all day.

    It was horrible.

    Glad you were successful!!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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  37. You mean, you can't just choose the one with the coolest container? Guess I've been doing it all wrong?


    I remember when I was a kid, my dad got a bottle of "Hi-Karate!" I always thought it was so cool that my dad had the same cologne as they advertised on the TV. I'm pretty sure he never even opened the bottle. Which sort of sucked, because I really wanted to see him break out in uncontrollable ninja moves like on the commercial.

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  38. I have three different colognes, the latest of which I bought three years ago. All three bottles are more than halfway full, which should tell you something about how often I actually spray it on.

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  39. Hahaha. I love it.

    WG

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  40. But you have it now, right? All those ninja moves are yours!

    I do like the fun bottles, but always seem to pick the boring bottle.

    WG

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  41. Yeah me too. Until recently I had a woman in my life as do you now, so it's probably not the chick magnet we thought.
    WG

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