Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Not Dallas

Where have I been?

Where have I gone?

Well friends, my life has been upside down for a few months now. Against I am sure many people's better judgement, I tell you I am going through a separation that appears to have only one possible conclusion, Divorce. That was very difficult to write and likely difficult to read.

So what can I say? My kids occasionally read my blog so I'm not going to go into detail. Not being able to write my usual witty snark is difficult enough, I just haven't felt it. Not writing at all is even more difficult.

As I said, my kids read my blog occasionally. My ex estranged wife does also used to. I can't do anything about that. They all know how I feel and what we are going through, but for you wise reader, here's a breakdown of what has been lost.

 

19 years of marriage. I wouldn't try to fool anyone by saying marital bliss because it hasn't always been bliss. If you've been married, especially to a stubborn man or woman like my wife and I, you know better. Marriage, like life, doesn't follow a Hollywood script. The highs can make you dizzy and the lows can cause depression. It is a constant struggle, one that for the right person we go through willingly. Next October will be (would be?) the 20th anniversary.

3 kids came of this union. I wouldn't trade them for anything. My Teenwolf, who struggles to be so much like his dad, yet makes many of my mistakes. I want to tell him to make new mistakes, learn from my path. I'm very proud of the way he has turned out. He has rough edges, but deep down he is every bit of who I hoped he would be. Shaggy had a rough start in this world, but he's finding himself as he is getting older. I'm happy that he is comfortable with himself, so few people ever are. I hope his wandering spirit brings him home now and again when he is ready to leave. Princess Sassy Pants (PSP) is the late addition we desperately wanted to the family. A good 10 years behind her eldest brother, she has allowed me to revitalize my parenting. We learn so many things as our children grow and so often we say, "I wish I could have done better with that.." She is my wish come true.

1 Home held us. Sure, there was a room, a borrowed house, a condo, a townhouse, and a house all in the mix, but only one home. They say "home is where you hang your hat" but for me, home is where your family is and hangs all their hats. There is a husband hat, a wife hat, one for each kid, there are brother and sister hats, man and wife hats to name a few. Now, it has less hats, like riding in a speedboat less hats.

One. As in "the two shall become one." Conjoined twins who share a vision, a heart. Can you truly live with one eye and half of a heart? God can probably come along and fix us up, good as new, but I know he isn't enjoying it.

 

I don't like Divorce. It's painful in every possible way. It makes you question every thing you've ever said or done. It makes you feel like a failure. It is more than a break-up, but an amputation, some might say it is a living death.

Is it easier to hear "I've found someone new" or "I'd rather be alone than be with you" I realize that sometimes we don't actually get to hear either one, but isn't this the underlying message? Both are equally destructive, causing massive wounds to self-confidence. I'd rather face these questions out loud and in my face than let them swim in the undertow. How about the seemingly less intense, "we just aren't right for each other?" This statement merely invalidates the 19 years, some of which were or felt very right. Lest we forget the granddaddy of all, "we've grown apart." Well, again, we are invalidating any work we've put in over 19 years to build a life together. The proverbial "whatever."

Statements like the latter two seem to indicate that God (or the Universe) makes mistakes which doesn't seem to be in his character. More importantly, those statements take the blame for the failure off the people who are most to blame. It's like a day at the fair: you bought your ticket, you ate some food, you rode some rides, you experienced the thrill of the height or speed of the ride, maybe you experienced the low of throwing up some of that food because of those thrills. At some point you get your fill of the fair and you leave. It's how it's supposed to go, right?

Marriage is as much about the Sickness, the Poorer, and the Worst of Times as it is about their opposites. Nobody ever won the Medal Of Honor for working at the Burger King on post. Surviving the bad times is what makes the good times seem so much sweeter. It is your badge of courage, your Medal of Honor.

Friends tell me how much better off I will be when it's all over.

They are wrong.

I've missed the folks over at Yeah Write and thought I'd share this week with them.

Lots of good writers over there, click the button to check them out.

51 comments:

  1. I am so heartbroken for you, your wife, your children. I have had some very good friends go through divorces in the past few years, and I can't begin to fathom the hurt and healing you will go through. If you need a writing outlet, pm me and we can work something out for a guest post.


    Amazing how heartbreak sucks the write right out of you, huh?


    Peace, to you are yours.

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. You can hear the pain in your words. My parents were divorced and it was challenging for me as a child, but I managed. At the time, I never realized the pain my parents were going through. It wasn't until I was a married adult that I began to comprehend some of that. So hard. Thanks for sharing this. Sometimes I find healing in my writing. It helps me to sort out things.

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  3. I'm so sorry. Sending you a strong virtual hug, and I will pray for you and your family.

    Your kids will be okay. My parents divorced each other not only once, but a second time after getting remarried. I survived. It's painful, but it heals.

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  4. I love your descriptions of your kids. You seem like an amazing dad.
    Your friends are wrong about things being better after the dust settles, but change always brings interesting opportunities. The best of luck to you and your family.

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  5. I don't think, that the items on your list have been lost? Whatever happens from this point forward in your life is just a new chapter. That doesn't erase any of the good that may have come before. I'm not sure about you, but the experiences that I have come through, good and bad, make me into who I am. From the bits and pieces I glimpse through your blog and DudeWrite, who you are, seems like a pretty decent fellow.


    Regardless of my rambling, my thoughts are with your family.

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  6. I am so very sorry... Wondering if that is where we're headed, too. Hubby would like it to be, but I wouldn't. Not ever. Sucks.

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  7. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard when something you've worked so hard for is stripped to its bare bones and you can't salvage it. I see a lot of bloggers going through this right now. (Who knows, maybe I'm obliviously following both halves of the same couples and watching them break down at the same time.) But know this. Even if you won't be better when you come out the other side, you'll be OK. I grew up with parents who hated each other rather bitterly. I advocated for them to divorce starting when I was 8. They finally did it when I was seventeen, and they are actually friends now, though distant ones. If this is the thing you need to do, and if there is good that you can make come of it, then focus on those things as much as you can. Let yourself grieve, because nineteen years is a lot of memories, and your expectations for the future have just been upended. But think, too, of the good you can make of something bad.

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  8. Kathleen MichiganleftFebruary 13, 2013 at 10:40 AM

    I'm so very sorry. Nineteen years seems like a lifetime. I can't imagine what it must feel like to let it go.

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  9. I am so sorry for this loss. I can feel you pain in each and every word. Wishing you happiness and strength as you navigate this rocky terrain.

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  10. I'm so sorry to hear this. I wish you the best.

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  11. It's hard to know what to say. Nineteen years together is still quite a success. I imagine if you could snap your fingers and erase the last nineteen years you wouldn't do it. As you say, you have your children and there are undoubtedly some happy memories with your wife in those nineteen years. I do wish you the best as you move on to a new chapter in your life.

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  12. Our stories are so similar, and yet our mindset is so different. I am separated now but as I look back on my marriage I don't see what I lost. I see what it has allowed me to gain. I think I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I was meant to have my kids with my husband but it has never been a good marriage. Were there good times? Yes, absolutely. Did I love him? Yes, absolutely! But just because our paths aren't what we were expecting doesn't mean they aren't the right paths or that we were on the wrong path all along. We are always exactly where we are supposed to be. Good luck, and feel free to email me.

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  13. I read your posts but have never commented before. I guess partly because knowing your personally I can just call you or text you if I have something to say to you. But this post is different. I was actually crying! My heart is as broken as yours. And I mourn your loss...and the wife's. I don't have answers for whats happening but I can tell you, reassure you, that you will grow through/from this. You will find a light again...rainbows can shine through tears just as through raindrops. You are an incredible man...and the wife is STILL an incredible woman. If there are any 2 people in the world who can recover and give a living testimony its you both. I've shared so much of your 19 year journey so far- I pray to continue to share what comes next. I offer you God's strength and comfort because mine is not sufficient.

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  14. My marriage has gone to its dark places more than once, and we're still hanging on somehow. But I've been close to that edge and it's a raw feeling when you don't want to be there. Thanks for this thoughtful expression. Divorce is so often played for jokes, but this is quite real.

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  15. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

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  16. What a struggle--thank you for the vulnerability in sharing this. Oddly, I don't think people talk much about divorce from this perspective, and it really helps me understand a bit more of what friends in similar situations might feel or be struggling with. I'm not sure what to say I hope for in this situation, but I do hope that there is comfort and resolution in whatever form that takes.

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  17. Divorce isn't something I have any experience with my parents are still married this year will be their 53rd year and my grandparents (on my side) where married right up till pop died. My dad's parents where divorced but we didn't have a lot to do with them and of course I have been married to Tim for 28yrs. I have a couple of sisters who have been through a divorce but that is about all....................I can only imagine how terrible it would be..............this was a great post about a difficult situtation

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  18. Awe, you're awesome Tweety. I appreciate you more than you know. I didn't mean to make you cry. I sat on this post for a while. I feel like a clown...literally. Sad on the inside, but painted on smile doing my best to make people laugh.
    I couldn't do it honestly anymore.

    Hopefully Valentine's day is very special to you knowing that it could be worse (I know you know that Tweety)
    WG

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  19. Oh, thank you! I look forward to better times for she and I, and especially the kids.
    WG

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  20. Yeah, the writing definitely helps. Being able to see this post through to posting was very hard but a relief. I never wanted my kids to go through this. Thanks for your kind words.
    WG

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  21. Your parents married each other twice? I appreciate the virtual hug and the prayers are always appreciated.
    WG

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  22. I'm the kind of guy who has appreciated my boring old opportunities and isn't keen on change. Thanks for reading and your best wishes.
    WG

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  23. That's a great point and perspective Ken. I appreciate all the things in my life that have come as a result of our marriage. It's a race we started together, I just always thought we'd see the finish line together.

    WG

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  24. I couldn't have said it better. I don't. Not ever. Sucks!


    WG

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  25. It is heart breaking when my daughter tells me it will be ok. I want her to be strong enough that it WILL be ok, but I want her to be innocent enough to not imagine it.
    Thanks for your words.

    WG

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  26. I almost can't either. Sometimes it's almost as if I look at this year and say "wow, I'm glad this isn't real!"

    WG

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  27. Thanks Samantha. Strength is something I need.


    WG

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  28. Thanks Chubby. You are right, I wouldn't trade the pain to erase the years.

    WG

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  29. Definitely not a game, like Russian Roulette isn't a game.
    Gotta keep swimming. Just keep swimming. (And fighting for what you want.)

    WG

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  30. Oh no Lily!
    Though our situations had their differences, I know you struggled with that decision. I feel as though I know his pain as much as I do yours. That couldn't have been an easy decision. Perhaps your paths will cross again. I do wish you all the happiness this world has to offer.
    Through this part of my journey, I'm learning much about myself. Some of it isn't particularly enjoyable to learn. More of the days are painful than not, but despite my tone I remain hopeful.
    WG

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  31. Thank you for writing a post that is so raw and real. Sometimes in our pursuit of the perfect subject we forget to write about REAL life and all of its jagged little edges.
    I am sorry you are going through this, and my wish for you is closure and peace.
    *hugs*

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  32. Thanks Jo-Anne, my parents are on 52 this year. Divorce has hit my Aunt, my grandparents. My wife's parents were divorced as is her sister. Just seems like the odds are against marriage these days. Very sad for those that will come to believe that it is a natural evolution of a relationship.

    WG

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  33. Thanks for the kind words, Kirsten. It was very freeing to be able to get this out. Talking about the consequences rather than the blame was cathartic. Having hope is the best thing you can do for those of us in this situation.
    It is my hope that God will allow pride to be put aside, differences realized, forgiveness offered and accepted... Reconciliation.
    WG

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  34. Oh yes, married 7 years, divorced a year, remarried and divorced again 7 years after that. The second time I was just relieved.

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  35. I'm so sorry. I wish the best for you and your family.

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  36. Wow, talk about 7 year itch.

    WG

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  37. Thanks for being brave enough to share this. Very powerful stuff to read. I hope all goes as well as it can under the circumstances.

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  38. Ha ha, yep, that's what I always said :)

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  39. This is one of those rough patches in life, I guess. I'm sorry you're going through one right now, and I hope you get to the other side peacefully.

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  40. Thanks. This isn't my usual fare, but as I mentioned in another response, I felt like a clown. I was sad on the inside, but I was putting on a silly face to hide it. I couldn't keep it up. Hopefully, I can get back to me.
    I'm glad you appreciated the post, it's far more real than I ever hoped to be.
    WG

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  41. Thanks. I remain hopeful, but realistic.

    WG

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  42. I'm so sorry you're going through this, Wily Guy. I've had some rough spots in my marriage and have come close to where you are, but I can't say I know what it's like to walk in the shoes you're in now. This is such an honest and brave post and I wish you and your family the best and I hope easier times are just around the bend.

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  43. Thanks. I hope I come out better and more equipped for this, sad as that is.

    WG

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  44. A very eloquent way to put a very rough time. Hope your kids are alright, just love em up.

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  45. Thanks Jennifer. The kids seem resilient, only time will tell (but that seems always the case)

    WG

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  46. I got divorced a few years ago and read in a book that getting divorced is more stressful than losing a child. I thought that was a bit extreme until I met a man who had dome both and agreed with the statement. I know you are already on top of this, but take care of those kids. It's rough on them.

    It does get better. Hang in there.

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  47. Modmom, I think we all go through the rough spots. I'm hopeful that the adage is true about going through the bad makes the good so much better.
    This post was a long time coming. I'm hopeful I can go back to being funny and not feel weird about it.

    WG

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  48. Thanks Brett. I can't imagine losing a child and I suspect that many couples who do probably do end up divorced because that pain is too much and it has to change you dramatically. I'm doing my best with the kids despite wanting to curl up in a ball on many days.

    WG

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