I think I'm a pretty decent dude. I might go so far as to say I'm a nice guy. Some would say I'm a good guy, and on some trips into the self-centered moral high ground, I might consider myself a better man than some...
|Nothing says PANIC like |
alcohol and a microphone!
But for a limited time, call now and you can enjoy a ground breaking opportunity with me as the Best Man.
For a low, low price.
Void where prohibited, some exclusions may apply, does not include shipping and handling.
Act now and we'll throw in a peeler, slicer, corer absolutely free.
I don't know how it happened, nor when, I'm excited to say I'm someone's best friend. Though, even this is a limited time offer.
How could it be limited? What Ginsu refund madness is this you ask?
You see, I have had best friends, but I can't honestly remember being told that I was someone's best friend. Sure, I'm "one of" people's friends, even "one of" a few people's best friends, heck I'm even a few people's "dog," "homey," and lest not forget "boy (blue)." Guys don't refer to ourselves as BFFs and using the term "besties" is worthy of a junk punch. (Though when the autocorrect just tried to change that to "beasties" that was kinda funny)
Do any of those references make anyone feel special? I didn't think so.
There is something about a friend saying those magic words..."Dude, you're my best friend...would you be my best man?"
Ladies, sure there is something awesome about a wedding proposal, but I have to say being asked, nay recognized, as Best Man material is also out of this world. But in a way, it is bittersweet. It's an epic downgrade, it's a demotion, it's like a breakup!
You see, when Jay's Ramblings met Lainey's Life Lessons, you could say that Jay's Ramblings went out of his Mynd. Yep, I'm the old dog watching his owner play with a new puppy. I've been demoted to "my best guy friend" or "my best friend that I'm NOT married to."
(Lainey, don't read anything into the "puppy" metaphor!)
I wouldn't have it any other way. If he didn't commit his entire being to make this woman happy, he wouldn't have been my best friend. I'd have had to kick his butt.
So, apparently I have duties (he said "doodies" lol) that are not limited to:
1. The Bachelor Party - a night of debauchery never before seen by the groom to be. Really I just said that to make lurking Lainey a little crazy. In reality, he doesn't want strippers and having been to a few BPs with strippers, I'm ok with that. The untouchable hot chick (you can hope she's hot, but THAT apparently ISN'T a rule) who does a crazy sexy dance (again, apparently NOT a rule) in a sausage-fest of your friends...is generally awkward. There...I said it.
2. The Wedding Toast - this is really tasty with a bit of strawberry marmalade. Being the tremendous wordsmith that I am, I should have all the ladies crying and all the men laughing. Knowing me, probably the opposite will occur. Seriously, Lainey is actually a little scared of me with a microphone. She should be. She embarrasses easily and turns lovely shades of red. She does this when people say nice things about her in public, so be afraid Lainey...be afraid!
3. Paying the Preacher - who knew? I don't know what the going rate for a "hitchin'" is these days, but I'm sure I will have plenty of singles...since we didn't see the strippers.
4. Holding the Rings - there are two rings, I have two hands...coincidence? I've got this one covered.
5. Returning the Rentals - say what?! I've got to hang on to funky dance sweated clothing? I feel like "I've still got that smell in my car" is going to be my new phrase. You know that "wedding cake and bad dancing sweat" smell. Fortunately, Teen Wolf and Shaggy who will apparently have to be less wolfy and less shaggy are ushers. Lainey was so crazy thinking they could just wear suits...haha. Leisure Suit Larry and Casual Guy Friday aren't going to look the part. (Yes, Princess Sassy Pants is the flower girl)
There are a myriad of cool things aside from those listed, such as signing the marriage license, that I get to do. I think heading up the band of miscreants to "decorate" the groom's vehicle is going to be cool, memo to me... eat a few cans of soup or perhaps drink a few cans of beer...and obtain twine.
These all pale in comparison to the granddaddy of them all...
Be afraid, be very afraid....with ear plugs.
So, who among you has been a Best Man or Maid (Matron, sadly I put Megatron) of Honor? Any advice?