Tuesday, November 27, 2012

If You Need Me, I'll Be Over Here... Arapining

I know what you're thinking. Ok, I actually don't know what you're thinking most of the time, but every once in a while, I say something and I know what you're thinking. How, you might ask?

Because I'm thinking it myself. It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas.

And welcome to another holiday season filled with merriment and cheer, some coal, undoubtedly Maids a Milking, along with a festive edition of the Mynd. You've got a lot going on, so I will be brief.

So, I'm rocking the station playing all the Christmas music. I'm of the crowd who puts up the tree the weekend after Thanksgiving and starts playing the music. I even have lights to surround my desk at work. But I digress, which is my habit. So, the song O Holy Night comes on the radio sung by some voice that likely belongs to a teenage girl. I prefer that song by Como or Cole, but again I digress.

O Holy Night is a song, so long sung in our lifetimes that many of us learned it as small children singing along with our parents. We don't need lyrics or sheet music, we're going to belt it out, without...thanks!


For some strange reason, and not the one that caused the Grinch's heart to grow 3 times its size, I paused as I belted out the third line. You know the one...



"Long lay the earth, in sin and arapining"

(the emphasis is on the PINE, which is the reason for the Christmas Tree, of course)

So I raced home to begin a night of unearthing and bringing you the definition of arapining. I assumed that because it was a churchy tune, it must have been a Hymn. I further assumed that being old and a Hymn, it would have to be written in the King's English where thee doth naught use words that wouldst be foundeth in thy modern eras.

Alas, not to mention Alack, (like smart Alack) I looked at the lyrics and found to my horror, not a new old word, but rather the following:

"Long lay the earth, in sin and error pining"

Well my friends, I have already tried to define 'pining' and despite my enthusiasm, I can only help to correct your diction of the lyric.

It would seem that a formerly French song, which was translated into English some 160 years ago by John Sullivan Dwight played some games with punctuation.

Obviously, you were led to believe that Mother Earth was laying around being lazy and pining or longing to get into some trouble. The true "error" was in lacking a proper comma AFTER "error" which would give us a more understandable (yet still using the word pining) translation:

"Long lay the earth, in sin and error, pining 'Til he appeared, and the soul felt its worth."


With that lesson for the day, I leave you to your shopping and decorating and general merriment. (Mary's Mint? Is that what hip-hop name they're calling Jesus these days?)


Sunday, November 18, 2012

Poker vs. Poke Her

You can tell a lot about how a guy is going to flirt by how he bets in Poker.

I know you're thinking I'm crazy, which makes you...


...A first time reader.

So what makes me so bold in this proclamation? Guys are who they are no matter what the circumstances are and normally they don't behave differently when the social venue changes.

Let me give you 4 examples:

1. Jack "The Unpredictable"

Have you ever played online poker? There are plenty of sites out there that let you play with "fake money." They give you $10,000 and you can earn money just for showing up each day to play. There really is no risk.

Jack will sit down at a table and immediately go "All-In" with the Table maximum. This could be $400-$1000 or more of fake money. Jack isn't looking to play around. If he loses, his losses are $1000 that isn't real. If he can get 4-5 of the people at the table to call him and equally risk some of the play money, He could win a single hand and be up $5000 right off the bat. He is there for instant gratification.

With the Ladies, Jack is going to have a similar tact. He is going to walk up to quite a few with a cheesy line and deliver it in the shortest amount of time possible. Jack will be looking to leave that night with something equally worthless, not in the lady, but in the time he wants to spend with her. He is looking for a good time and in the shortest time possible. He isn't concerned with Quality, but rather Quantity.

2. "Aggressive" Steve

Steve wants to win, but isn't foolish to do so. He takes more chances. As the movie Rounders taught us, sometimes you play the cards, and sometimes you play against the other players. Steve definitely plays the other players. He won't have the flush, but if there is a flush draw, he may bet big to have you THINK that he has a flush.

Now, with the ladies, Steve is aggressive as well. He oozes confidence and he will flirt with a lady who is already with someone, but he won't be "serious" unless she is interested. Count on Steve to make an inappropriate reference to the size of his junk. Steve doesn't have to be a great guy, he just has to be a better guy than any of the other available options. Steve is hard to move off a target and once he makes a move, everything is committed to a night of passion.


3. "Tight" Mark

Mark plays tight. What exactly does that mean? Mark isn't going to play 10-7 Off Suit. Good Lord, what does that mean? This isn't a good place for a full explanation of poker (as if I know), but let's say that Mark wants his hand to be as good as it can be. Even if he thinks he has the best hand, he isn't looking to chase anyone out. He isn't going to be betting crazy. His bets will be consistent, but he will always believe he has to work it all the way until the end. He may go All-In, but it will likely be only to serve a warning to the other players that he will taking their money. He will be called out for "slow-rolling" to get more bets. It isn't his intention to be misleading.

Mark won't believe you like him. His entire cautious style will lead him to take it slow. He will have the emotions, but he isn't going to show them right away. Any relationship with Mark is going to be a slow build. It might take him enjoying some social friend time in the company of others to actually ask you out. Mark doesn't kiss on a first date. He isn't going to race to the bedroom. He's not going to have a play date with his parents in the first month. He will win over your sister AND your best friend, treating them almost as well as he treats you. Make no mistake, once Mark has found his mate, he will be All-In with a proposal.


4. Dave "Slow Roll"

Bets a card AFTER he catches his straight or the not so biblical three kings. You will never know what is on Dave's mind until he's taking down the pot. He will pull coy moves like flipping and down playing the Jack that gives him two pair, only to flip the 7 that gives him the full house. He wants you to bet so he can seem like he really has to think about whether he wants to call. He will often tell you he doesn't think you have the card and push his stack All-In.

At a bar, Dave is going to be interested in your friend. He knows this is going to burn you up and make you try harder. He's going to get you to ask him to dance and he may even turn you down the first time you ask. Dave will turn out to be a little bit of a game player, but might be reformable as a boyfriend, but he will still go play cards with the boys now and again and make you just a little crazy.


I know which type of guy I am in both venues, I suppose you can probably guess as well.


Who is THIS guy?
I bet I can tell you which type this guy is...

(See what I did there?)

What Type Are You?


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Saturday, November 3, 2012

Left Pinky is No Longer a Toe


Remember when "they" determined that Pluto was not a planet?

"They" were out of line.

Many Very Elderly Men Jumped Six Ugly New...what?

(Am I old that I remember that mnemonic? (Anybody got a mnemonic to help me remember how to spell mnemonic?))



If you will not be turned...
(into a Dwarf Planet)
you will be destroyed!

"They" being the International Astronomical Union (IAU) came up with a couple of tricky textbook rewrites. This unholy union of Astronomers, undoubtedly lead by Senator Palpatine, clearly had it in for Pluto. Clearly by the misspelling of neighborhood below, we are lead to believe that the Europeans (pronounced You ROPE peons) are involved with their Theatre, Colour, Honour, Rumour, Humour. I blame instead the Australians. You know who you are...


Resolution 5A was the first and they felt it necessary to define what a planet is:

A planet is a celestial body that (a) is in orbit around the Sun, (b) has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, and (c) has cleared the neighbourhood [sic] around its orbit [ref].
Further, "They" have defined a new category called a Dwarf Planet as such:

A celestial body that (a) is in orbit around the Sun, (b) has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, (c) has not cleared the neighbourhood [sic] around its orbit, and (d) is not a satellite [ref].

I am the Florax and I speak for the planets.

First of all, we prefer "little planet" if you are going to so designate us.

Second, a planet, by orbiting the sun, is by definition a satellite. So that last one was a dig on the fact that Pluto is barely larger than its own moon and it is not larger than the moons of many other planets. Unappreciated!

Lastly, just because a planet is not packing a gat and cleaning up its 'hood doesn't make it any less a planet!

In a similar move, the International Foot Fetish Yodelers (IFFY) has designated the left pinky toe a "Dwarf Toe" and petitioned that it be removed from the foot.

IFFY has defined a toe as:

A toe is (a) having a toenail that must be clipped regularly, (b) wherewithal to go to market, (c) or not, (d) ability to choose to enjoy Roast Beef, (e) or not, (f) sufficient mass to overcome rigid body masses and gravity to hold the body erect on its own, (g) is not a satellite, and finally (h) a strong bladder is required.

Obviously, IFFY lacks imagination in their resolutions.

Unfortunately for left pinky toe, the nub of a nail that hardly requires clipping and can be brought to correct size by a mere swipe on the carpet, there will be no more "wee wee wee all the way home" for that piggy!

In other news, right pinky toe has begun the callous behavior of rubbing his neighbors the wrong way.



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