Friday, August 3, 2012

The Levels of Drunk

I recently had a conversation with my therapist who told me that he'd never been drunk. He's not a teetotaler or under age. He's also not Amish, fake or otherwise. He just doesn't drink to excess. I found this a little incredible and wondered how much he'd be able to relate to me. I'm no lush, but have certainly had a few experiences bad and good. My first question is if you don't know what "excess" is, how do you know when you're close? As I discussed this with him, I thought for those of you considering getting your drink on for the first time, this would be a helpful scale.

Hey you!
Come sit on the couch and eat couscous with me
1. Relaxed - Relaxed is that wonderful one beer or a glass of wine feeling. All the little tensions of the day don't seem nearly as stressful. If this were the weather, it would be sunny, not too hot or humid with a light breeze. This mood may put you in the mood for something slightly exotic to eat.

If puking were like rain in the forecast, chance of pukrification would be 10%.

I probably won't think that's funny tomorrow.

2. Happy - Happy is obviously the next stage. Happy is subjective. I become happy, others become quiet, some become sullen. I like to think of this as happy.

At this stage, for the happy folks, jokes are funnier.  Your words may become slightly slurred, but only certain words.  Did I mention this will be funny?

The people who become quiet are likely perceived as listening intently.  I know someone who is normally boisterous and when drinking becomes quiet.  The quiet is disconcerting, but they don't edge into becoming an ass.

You may reach this stage unintentionally, for instance, being thirsty on a hot day might lead to overindulgence in the beers.  Caught early, the wise drinker will switch to Water, Ice Tea, or Soda.

Chance of pukrification 25%

Moves like STAGGER.
3. God's Gift - At the God's Gift stage, the liquid confidence is fully percolating in your bloodstream. You become God's Gift to dancing, singing, women, fighting, and general badassery. You've got moves like Jagger and there is no equal to you on the dance floor as you sweat through the second of four shirts you brought to the club. If your taste runs to Karaoke bars, you will be working on notes never before hit by a guy, hell some aren't human. There are no women out of your league. You have a strut to your walk that gives you back cleavage, you know, when your shoulders are so far back in your swagger that your upper back is forced to look like your butt.

For me, this stage is where you will find me discussing my sobriety with myself in the mirror of the men's room. I will say things like "I'm not drunk!" and believe it based upon whether I laugh. There will be head shaking pursuant to a determination if I have moved to the next step.

Chance of pukrification 50%

Fly like an eagle...
4. Room moving slow - this is the stage where liquid confidence leads into general stupor. You'll have that vague feeling that you've had too much to drink and yet you'll be unable to anything about it.  You will likely continue drinking if alcohol remains available and your good friends are either at this same stage or have it in for you to be blowing chunks.

This is the beginning of the "beer goggles" stage where as opposed to your being God's gift to women, ANY woman is a gift to you and you may wake up next to one that you had not intended to previously.  You may also in this stage decide to switch between wine, beer, and hard liquor.

My story begins with my 18th birthday. Having missed the grandfathering of the drinking age change to 21 in Maryland, I felt robbed. My sister had grandfathered in and had a party for her 18th birthday. In a senseless act of kindness, my parents decided to allow me to have a much smaller get together with 2 friends who had to turn in car keys.

I performed two miraculous feats that night.

The first was slowing down time. Yup, at the height of my intoxication I was found on the couch in the family room jerking my head (keep your mind out of the gutter) from one side to the other.  I was amazed that it took the room a full 2 minutes to actually catch up.  I was like The Flash only in slow motion.

My second miraculous act was flying.  Now, some will tell you that I, in my intoxication was feeling for the walls to keep myself upright, but believe me... I got air!  All through the house I flew, I even flew up a flight of stairs.  My flight took a lot out of me and I napped on my friend's shoe...with his foot still in it.

Much to the chagrin of my friends that night, the second alcohol run was cut from the schedule due to my reaching this stage.  They may have forgiven me by now.

Chance of pukrification 90%

Lucky bugger, towel to rest his drunken head upon!
5. I did what? Did you apologize for me? - Now, this stage is the final stage and can turn into alcohol poisoning. If you've ever been to this stage, you will recognize it only from your next day's mutterings of "I didn't do that!" and "I don't remember that!"

I have a fine example of this in my senior year of high school on spring break.

We took a class trip to South Carolina to the beach. It was a fairly uneventful trip from most aspects. On the final night at the beach house, when most cleaning up was occurring, a game of quarters was started. I was wicked good at quarters back in the day and I was game, but due to the previous story, I was a bit sour on beer. It was decided that as a substitute to the half glass of beer, I could take a shot of rum. A fair deal given my talents for the game and aversion to the hops. As the game proceeded, my talents fell victim to the Rum and my growing inebriated state.

At one point, reportedly, I asked one of the girls to play with us and she declined saying that she didn't drink. In my liquid confidence state, I proclaimed that she could play and if I couldn't get her drunk, I would make her pee a lot.

Yeah, smooth...I Know!

This same night after consuming upwards of 17 shots, again... reportedly, I passed out. When I awoke, I was in the bathroom on the floor, in my own vomit. When I reviewed my condition in the mirror, I realized that I had twin bruises on my cheekbones and wondered with whom I had fought. I asked my classmates and laughingly they told me that in my state I had begun banging my face on the floor to keep time with the music.

I feel confident that I was still drunk the next morning and slept much of the trip home.

Chance of pukrification 100%, most of which will happen while drunk.

What's the drunkest you've ever been?

Dude Write 
I'm hooking this post up with DudeWrite and if you haven't yet, click that link, go read some fantastic posts by bloggers who happen to be dudes.

Then on Sunday Night, or Monday go back and vote... I know it is a lot to remember, but I have confidence in you.  You get three votes, use them wisely on posts you've read and enjoyed.

Dude Write



  1. Oh man... this brings back so many memories. For the most part I didn't drink back in high school. I was the poor slub that drove all my drunk friends home. But there was this one time when I did cut loose. Sadly, it didn't take too many drinks for me to reach stage 5.

    Apparently most of the evening consisted of me running around proclaiming that I needed to F the Home Coming Queen. This proved to be equally as embarrassing as getting to stage 5 from two wine coolers, since both my girlfriend (who wasn't the HCQ) and the Home Coming Queen were both at the same party.
    Fun read Scott, enjoyed it!
    Michael A. WalkerDefying Procrastination

  2. Yeah, level 5 is not fun for anyone, though if you google "passed out drunk" there are some funny pictures.

  3. LaineyLifeLessonsAugust 3, 2012 at 4:11 PM

    You were the bartender the last time I was drunk! I think I was somewhere between God's Gift and Room Slowly Moving. My honey, on the other hand, was absolutely at the I Did What? level of drunk as there are still aspects of that night that he does not remember.

  4. Chubby ChatterboxAugust 3, 2012 at 5:32 PM

    This was a fun read. In the 70's I had a nasty fight with my wife on a rickety tramp steamer headed to Greece. I wanted to get really drunk but the only thing I could find to drink on that ship was ouzo. I ended up so drunk i nearly fell off of the ship. The next day I had the worst headache of my life.

  5. I have no tolerance for alcohol despite repeated attempts over the years to decrease my sensitivity to intoxication. One glass of beer or wine is usually sufficient to render me incapable of driving. I can't tell you my best drinking story because I'm not sure I've ever told it to Kellie. It's not that I can't tell her; I just never got around to it. It happened while I was in college, years before we met. I'm not sure how I would even start the story. Honey, did I ever tell you about that night with the naked Jewish girl and bottle of Jack Daniels?

  6. Sounds like a blog post for sure! Don't all the good drinking stories have titles like that? Usually they will involve adjectives like "one-eyed" or "crazy-(insert name here)"

  7. Ouch! Ouzo is some nasty stuff. Like sake, only not as silky going down. Same nasty headache.

  8. Ah, the Vanilla Vodka was your friend. I didn't feel like you were at level 3. I think your guy was at level 4. Neither of you woke on the bathroom floor nor was there puking, right?

  9. I have such a hard time leaving messages here and on Dude Write with my computer, which results in multiple comments from me, cause it never seems like it's going through. But I think I've solved the problem by using my iPod instead :)

    The only time I was ever drunk enough to throw up, I ended up laying on a dirty floor in a bathroom in a bar in Guatemala. That was enough to cure me from doing that again!

  10. I have been to all 5 stages, the last time I visited #5 I woke up in my buddy's front lawn with him and another friend poking me with a stick to wake me up...the last words I remembered hearing were " You're not man enough to drink this" followed by me excusing myself to go puke.

    My most common stage is #3, but unfortunately I have moves like Jabba and not Jagger....

  11. We appreciate your diligence. I've had a few people say that about the new Disqus, but thus far we can't pinpoint the problem. If you want to send details of your comment problems to we'll send them over to Disqus.
    Now, being drunk in a bar in Guatemala and on a dirty bathroom floor would probably be enough to prevent me from drinking...ever.

  12. How did I miss moves like Jabba? I've thought of so many others. Moves like Swaggart, moves like stagger, etc. Yours is great!
    I've never awoken on a lawn...that I remember.

  13. Drunkest ever... 21st birthday. The local bar gave me a Keg party for $.21 and told me if it was empty by the time I actually turned 21 at midnight I could have anything the rest of the night for free. In order to help me survive the oppressive heat in the car on the way home (ahem...November in the Midwest), my then husband seat belted me in and drove me home with my car door open and my body tilted outside the car. Good times! Loved this post!

  14. Thanks Angie.

    I joke with my wife that every car I have ever owned since meeting her has been christened by her throwing up in the pocket of the passenger side door.
    I just felt this post was necessary for humanity and I'm glad you liked it.

  15. I don't drink much but have had a couple of times when I was so drunk it wasn't funny, one time was at a New Years Eve party at my brother's and his girlfriends place (now his wife) she still married him after me throwing up in her bath yes it was a diagustting mess and I was so embarressed............the only other time was on my 40th I got stupid drunk but didn't do anything embarressing just came home and went to bed and stayed there, ok have done that a few times at Christmas time too......

    Hubby gets drunk most nights but if he gets drunk and then falls asleep it doesn't bother me it is only when he gets drunk and belligerent that it bothers me..........

  16. I've had to escort people home who threw up in the hosts kitchen sink. Not pretty.
    Umm, the last comment bothers me.

  17. Bahhaha! I loved the pukrification percentages. Boy, have I got some drunk stories. If I wasn't such a freaking lady, I'd tell all.

  18. So, what's stopping you??? (chuckle, lol) kidding.

  19. I'm getting a hangover just thinking about my drunken stories!

  20. Sadly, I start out at "God's Gift" when I'm stone cold sober. This is why I shouldn't drink, it only goes downhill from here...

  21. Haha, I'm sending you virtual Advil and water.

  22. Oh, you're "that" guy, lol!

  23. Been to every stage. Proud to admit that I will be at every stage again in the near future.

  24. I've only ever reached stage 5 once. I vowed never to do it again after I thought the sky was going to fall on me.

  25. Yeah, level 5 is not a pleasant aftermath.

  26. Ah, I've got one of those "I'm not an alcoholic, I just drink like one" personas. When I get to Stage 5 I usually just pass out in random places. There's actually a video of me on YouTube that I can't get taken down. The worst I've been is either the time I was found on the bathroom floor with my pants AND underpants around my ankles, or when my friends video taped me giving a speech about random subjects. I also piss in random places if the substance I've been drinking it of the hard liquor variety.

  27. You Sir, I want to party with. I'm one of those "pose your drunk passed out friends in weird positions with stuff written on their face..." kind of guy, though.

  28. Hmmmm waking up in your own vomit sounds so nasty that I'm losing my curiosity to try ;-)

  29. I've been drunk many times in my younger days, but only hit the stumbling around, unable to think stage a couple of times. These days, I don't drink to excess. I just don't enjoy it anymore.

  30. My work here is done.

  31. I'm not sure I ever enjoyed it, it's like eating hot food. We guys always feel the need to compete.

  32. Oh my gosh! I am cracking up! This is absolutely hilarious!!!! Sadly, I made it to the final level on more than one occasion in my 20s. Glad those years are gone. The pictures are absolutely hilarious because they are dead-on! I'm still laughing! Stopped by from Studio 30P.

  33. And welcome weary traveller from Studio 30P! Sit down, have a drink, and let your worries melt away. Perhaps a back link to your finest summer work should be proffered?
    Apologies, just watched an interesting movie with some proper language.

  34. I don't even know what you just said.

  35. Haha, I'm back from the impossibly British movie. I'm glad you enjoyed the post. I assume they have created a list somewhere with each member's favorite summer post and that is how you found me.
    I was looking for a link to your favorite summer post. I suppose I could also go in search of the list at Studio 30P.
    Thanks for dropping by.

  36. I just joined, so I missed that deadline. My post from this past Monday got the most hits I've ever gotten, so that would probably be my best from this summer...or ever.

  37. Been all levels of drunk, love your descriptions! Will absolutely be using "General Badassery" the next time I reach Level 2

  38. Glad you liked it. Thankfully, I don't reach the 4th and 5th levels anymore.




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