Monday, July 9, 2012

Teachers Are Pushers

Cocaine of the Pre-School
Now that school is out, I've noticed something different about Princess Sassy Pants.

She has the shakes.

She is in withdrawal.

Though she enjoys school and the learning, she needs a fix.

She hasn't been around enough glitter lately.


I'm concerned. We've tried to ween her off this powder, but she is like a crack baby, jonesing for something and not knowing why. We've got to get her clean before she moves on to more serious stuff, like macaroni.


Problem is that with Mrs. Mynd working in an elementary school, we've cultivated relationships with teachers. Teachers are the problem. Forget the teaching of various leftist and rightist cult like notions, the fact that they don't teach creation, they confuse them with dinosaur bones and leave them to pray for good test scores...This is worse!

They be packin'.

Almost as bad as its fully street cred worthy cousin the hot glue gun, the glitter gun is insidious and notorious for spreading the glitter like 50 cent spreads bad rhymes.


Glitter is the first STD (Sparkly Transmitted Decoration) your kids will be exposed to and you aren't ready. When you see it at first, you may think its cute, but you won't understand. You'll become accustomed to seeing it. Soon, every picture will look like a Diana Ross dress from the 60s. There will be so much shimmer you'll have to look away.


Soon, your kids will be so neck deep in it that it will begin to affect your lives. Imagine that first day when the boss calls you out in a meeting in the conference room asking "is that glitter on your suit jacket?" You'll stammer some excuse about an art project before realizing that it is summer and school is out.

Betty Ford clinic visits are in your future, my friend. Psychiatric help will be required, and not just for the children. You'll be up to your ears. You'll say things like "I've tried to vacuum it up..." and "I can't get rid of it..." and you'll be uncomfortably correct. They'll give you inkblot tests and you'll twitch as some of them look like the glittasaurus monster that lives in a neighboring town yet invades your home to leave its slug trail of shine across your carpets and chairs.


Inkblot Test for School Children?

Creeps me does!



  1. I'm not comparing your daughter to a stripper but we refer to glitter as stripper dust. I helped a friend move the other day and we were moving his daughter's stuff out last, when I got home the Trophy looked at me and was sceptical of my exact whereabouts, I looked in the mirror and had glitter all over my face.

  2. So funny-we have a glitter problem in our home, too. But I think I am the one with the problem, not Princess. Between the glitter and the baby oil-soaked ones that smell of shame and daddy issues, oh wait, wrong blog, my bad.....

  3. CircumscribePeon38July 9, 2012 at 2:48 PM

  4. Haha, yeah glitter is school, fashion and strippers.

  5. Hahaha, I'm in stitches here. I will look forward to the unabridged version over on

  6. Hell yes. I can't tell you how much glitter has found its way into the house. Those glitter pushers have made my girl go crazy for it. Show her a disco ball and she can't stop staring with lust and wonder.

  7. Glitter is dangerous. It leads to taking off clothing for money, or raves, which just leads to drugs. Someone needs to stop this.

  8. Glitter is addictive or should that be dangerous ok it is dangerous for little ones but for bigger persons it is

  9. Glitter is the gateway drug to harder things, like origami. I could never fold straight

  10. I think the main problem is that it never goes away. Back in high school, many of my suits were ruined (at least in my eyes) because they were invaded by the glitter from the dresses of my prom dates, and I could never get it out completely.

  11. I know! You're thinking about strippers too, right?

  12. Lust and wonder...words I don't often associate together and with my eight year old. A disco ball is another good metaphor though!

  13. That's exactly why I had to take a stand!

  14. Haha, I always enjoy your comments Jo-Anne.

  15. Yeah, and glitter isn't a great trophy. Like lipstick on your collar or a hicky, it's more a mark of shame.




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