Sunday, May 6, 2012
I Killed My House Guests
I'm not proud of it.
This is my letter of confession.
As tragic as this is, it's unlikely that anyone is coming to take me away.
Let me explain.
Ever have one of those weekends when you unknowingly get to throw a party? Guests arrive and start wandering around the place?
There's a sense of entitlement as they drink all your beer, and soda, and Deer Park?
If you had a pool, they'd be in your swimsuit and playing in the water, but since I don't, they just went all naked in the bathtub party time.
Snack food? Forget you ever had any. There isn't a place they won't look to find your secret stash of Twinkies.
And rude? You know the type, they totally drink your beer and then crawl in bed with you as if they just know waking up next to them is going to creep you out.
I had that party on Friday night. It started out small, but one thing leads to another and they're telling friends and soon you're feeling a bit crowded out. I couldn't take it.
Saturday morning came and they're still here partying like its 1999. Thankfully, my daughter spent the night at one of her friends' house and she wasn't subjected to the behavior freak show. My sons were both home and fortunately slept through the whole thing.
Mrs. Mynd was completely perturbed by the whole thing and was complicit in the murders.
It is very difficult to admit all of this, but I needed my faithful readers to know that I love them and will continue writing through the pain of this experience.
I snapped. I should be making my escape in a white bronco, but mama raised me to admit to my transgressions and be a man.
I totally killed them. I killed them so hard and fast, their mama is gonna feel it. I poisoned their Kool Aid and they drank willingly.
I just hope that my confession will make me somehow less of a monster.
I took a photo, but it may be far too gruesome for many of you, so I am giving you a moment to think before scrolling down...
I warned you, you sick bastards!
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