Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Stupidest 38 Minutes of My Life

I got an ominous envelope in the mail the other day.


OMG! The dreaded American Community Survey from the US Department of Commerce US Census Bureau!


It's good to know that I wasn't singled out, just my address. Like I believe that? The last time I was that gullible was when I thought that Snopes was truly true. Which I checked on snopes and found out was true.

The all important paragraph reads as follows:

This survey collects up-to-date information used to meet the needs of communities across the United States. For example, results from this survey are used to decide where new schools, hospitals, and fire stations are needed. This information also helps communities plan for the kinds of emergency situations that might affect you and your neighbors, such as floods and other natural disasters.

Please! Seriously?

This should read something more like :

This survey collects up-to-date information used to help local and state governments stay in power by helping to determine where wealthier patrons live, what their voting records are, and what their party affiliation should be. If some new schools, hospitals, and fire stations happen to be built because of politicians pandering to the rich, that's great too. In case of emergency, we will also know where to rescue the rich people.

Has the government not heard? The end of the world is near! Ask the Mayans.

Does anyone see anything about answering "truthfully?"

The Year was 1941. I was living in my house where I am "The Resident." My real name is Charles U. Farley. I'm living with the 47 Jewish refugees in my basement that doesn't exist on any blueprints. I can afford to feed them due to my being the oldest living (127 years young) Eskimo Puerto Rican, not of Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin. My birth certificate looks more fake than Obama's but I assure you that when my father's attorney Frederick Flintstone put chisel to rock, that is what they looked like.

Because my house is the first floatable apartment building that happens to be on a trailer, I am listing is as Boat, and mobile home and building with more than 2 apartments, since it is actually has 100 separate dog crates inside, they could be considered their own apartments, so I will be making all the check marks.

Not sure how we manage with just the one bathroom and one motorcycle.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


Don't worry, I didn't use my real handwriting... After the picture, I added "Human" as my some other race.

Some questions were unclear how they should be answered. So I chose a variety. X marks sorta-the-spot, fill in the blank but I was a bit sloppy, and of course the check which sometimes was the wrong answer.

Some answers are technically correct.

I'm not doing this to be an ass (well, ok maybe that too) but in reality I am assuring myself that no machine will read this accurately and hence human eyes must be employed. I'M CREATING JOBS, YO!

Now before all my do-gooder readers chastise me for my efforts, let me assure you that I have answered all the questions I needed to and some probably that I didn't. (my 14 year old son is not pregnant nor has he given birth in the last year - come on! He's only 14 and daddy don't raise no ho)

I've answered truthfully, but see little purpose to this whole fiasco as my trust for the trust fund babies sitting in the seats of power is less than it once was, which ain't sayin much!

Anyone else have this genuine pain in the butt pleasure this year?



  1. I did. In fact, since I purposely ignored and continually thew it out (it kept coming), they called me and made me do it on the phone. I applaud your, hilarious blog!

  2. We did it a couple of years ago I think; whenever the big push was. I answered the only question which was Constitutional - how many people live in your house?  The rest I ignored.  I think I may have to adopt your methods next time though!

  3. Yeah and the saga continues because the postman (who didn't ring twice) didn't see it in the mailbox. So when I was sorting the mail later, I saw an envelope with markings of Census and went ape-shiznit! I tore it open like it was my second response from Ed McMahon and Publishers, only this was the pissed off version! Ugh, I opened my outgoing mail. So I taped it all back up and am sending it out again. I sure they will suspect someone tampered with it and send me a brand new one to fill out again... 38 Minutes all over again!

  4. But Bubbe, what about all the fire engines that won't get purchased???

  5. justkeepinitrealfolksMarch 8, 2012 at 11:48 AM

    "White is a color not a race"- BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Can't we all just get along?

  7. As someone in the room while you were filling it out, I gotta say you were fired up about that form.  I get the inconvenience, but the upside down answers and repeatedly scratched out and/or circled answers were a bit much.  But it was very funny to watch your hair catch fire like that :)

  8. Census happens in Australia every couple of years, and every household does it.

    It is always good to entertain yourself :p

  9. I was pulling my hair out for sure!

  10. Yeah it's every 10, some get the 'long form' insert comments here... But this community survey is just an info grab IMHO!

  11. LOL that hilarious they are not going to be happy reading this one lol! Following BTW!

  12. I like this Disqus comment system works well!

  13.  That is not good news, as you have the Picard look going for you...

  14. Yeah, I'm sexy and I know it. :)




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