Saturday, January 7, 2012

Things That Make Me Go, Eek!

So my good buddy over at Jay's Ramblings has a "Would You Rather" feature that is supposed to be light and fluffy decisions like A. have a view of the beach or B. have a view of snow capped mountains?  So in his most recent effort, he has gone a little dark, asking if I would like a Safe View of a Great White Shark or a Siberian Tiger? 

No brainer folks... Tiger.  I would rather have an unsafe view of the Tiger than have to look at the picture again. In researching this post, I had to find pictures of sharks and lets just say "not wanting to go back in the water?" umm I don't want to go back to the browser window!

This is my favorite part...
Don't go believing all the Jacques Cousteau nonsense about Sharks not being understood. Who fuzzin' cares? I don't understand Mike Tyson and I also don't want to hang out with him, especially when he's listening to Phil Collins.

I'm Tired of the...
Like Samuel L. Jackson, I'm "tired of these M...F... sharks on this M...F... movie" ok, he never said that, but he was in Deep Blue Sea which was a movie about Genetically Smarter Sharks with evil plots to eat pretty girls. (I'm sure it still is a movie about that, but I am striking it from my consciousness (apparently AGAIN))

Like the bigger boys in the pool where I grew up, sharks are hell bent on drowning me. I've got a big fear of drowning. Pretty much I've got a big fear of not breathing. Who doesn't right? I guess my fear would be considered unhealthy by some.  I don't care. I swim in a pool, by myself, at night, with no clothes on, by myself you said that and I don't care. I can see the bottom and all is well. (unless it is the weird girl from high school whose pool occasionally would have snakes in it...) (or possibly in Florida where you can have Gators using your pool...)

Hello, My Name is Bruce!
I don't watch me any Jaws, Soul Surfer and even Bruce, the shark in Nemo, gives me the shakes. Who wasn't scared by DeNiro in SharkTales?  Why is it that "Shark Week" can't be in December? This would give me time to erase the memories through alcohol, hypnosis, or high colonic (really high) before the beach opens in July. 

Are you talkin' to ME!

So I don't swim in the ocean that often.  When I do, I take my children with me because I'm a big sissy pants children taste better and by increasing the size of the buffet I limit my odds of being eaten.  I don't ever eat Reese's before swimming, nor do I go swimming with a cut, and I avoid the water when it's that time of month.

I get a bit of the hibby-jibbys (no iPad, not the hobby jobs) riding in a boat.  To this day I am still not sure how I ever went Jet Skiing. If I can't see the bottom, I get a creepy "something's lurking" feeling.  I don't exactly like driving across big bridges.  Though I've been told that the impact of hitting the water from a jump off of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge would kill me, I still think about if I didn't die from that, how awful drowning would be.  Would I get out of the car?  If I got out of the car, would that giant obviously non-lethal bleeding head wound draw out the sharks?  Would it be worse to drown in the car or drown in the mouth of a shark? Would I have enough oxygen to die from the head wound before I ran out of oxygen?

I'm going to take a Valium now. Maybe a handful.
Drive off the Bridge, I'll Catch You!


  1. I never realized your fear of drowning in  a shark's mouth was that pervasive.  You do realize, right, that the massive bloodloss and the ensuing shock would kill you long before the lack of o2 to the brain.  

    So, is this fear of drowning limited to sharks?  Would the whale that swallowed Jonah cause you to get the cold sweats?  What about the Kraken from Pirates of the Caribbean?  The giant squid from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea?

    What about having your Star Fleet Shuttle breach, causing all the oxygen to rush out into the vast empty coldness of space?  What about when Hall 2000 refuses to open the hatch allowing to reenter the space station?  

    Do you hate all sharks as much as I hate Penguins?  Perhaps the Capitals can skewer some in San Jose tonight.  Or are they going to need a bigger boat?

    This is fascinating...  AND a whole new realm of torture surely won't be coming from me, now would it?

  2. I foresee many shark photos, Shark Week video outtakes,  Jaws theme music, and stuffed sharks in your future, Mr. Mynd.

  3. You realize ... this means war!
    I believe between penguins, crushed ice, and a certain Winnie the Pooh character...

  4. In the epic words of Burger King: Can't we call just get a Whopper?

  5. Well, I think you got me beat with Sharks, Precious Moments Figurines, and "I know, right!"
    But Whopper...mmmmmmm...what was I saying again?

  6. Wow.  Even after a Reese's peanut butter cup???

  7. I eat a lot of garlic.




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