Friday, January 27, 2012

Keeping All My Parts

As I read Facebook updates about my friends and their various ailments, I'm noticing a trend of people giving up body parts.

Gall Bladder seems to be trending up as I know 4-5 people who've lost that organ. Was it jealous of the Appendix for its ability to get free and clear of the pesky humans? For those less in the know than I, the Gall Bladder helps break down fats in the digestive process. Basically, if you eat a fatty hamburger, you'd be a mess with no gall bladder. Literally. 


So why are more and more people living without it. I guess we're just eating too much red meat? I like my red meat, but I'd rather live with a little less of it than live without an organ.




The Appendix is apparently so useless that people aren't even losing it anymore. I remember when an attack of acute appendicitis could put you in the hospital.  There wasn't anything cute about it.

Kidneys are not as frequently lost as donated, kinda like blood, only you can't drink alcohol after. Platelets donations are also high, which seems like a weird thing to me. Basically they take your blood, put it in a tilt-a-whirl, then they put most of your blood back in, I just can't figure out if they take the kids who're pukin' and walking' around lookin' drunk to give to somebody else or if those are the ones I get back?  I've heard that bone marrow donation is a super cool experience, but I watched Seven Pounds and it looked as fun as swimming with the man-o-war.

Having had a pause in the last 365 days (that was nothing serious) amongst the twins, I was almost the Jon Kruk of my family. Jon Kruk, catcher for the Philadelphia Phillies who lost a testicle to cancer reportedly showed up for camp after he regained his strength.  His teammates treated him a bit differently than prior to his surgery. Kruk reportedly told them that "if you don't stop treating me this way, I'm taking my ball and going home!"




With tonsils and adenoids and teeth, kids typically lose more than a few things out of their bodies.


As we age, the systems become a bit more fallible and many elderly retiree types lose hips and shoulders.

As for me, I'm keeping as much as I can... College tuition is coming up and I plan to sell a kidney rather than lose an arm, a leg, or the skin off my back.

The universe has a few of my wisdom teeth. Clearly, I have no need for them! I even have my own toxic Tonsils and Adenoids since my parents didn't love me enough to give me a reason to eat ice cream.

The universe has a few tiny pieces of vas deferens. Really I did it just to keep from losing more of my parts.

The universe has far too many of my follicles. Far more of them have migrated south for the winter, summer, pretty much year round. It's like my head is covered in Teflon.  Actually, I haven't lost as much as some, but I cut it short because skin yarmulkas are cool!

I clip my nails religiously, which is not to say that I pray that the Lord will take my non-blood offering... Just that I can't stand hangnails of any kind.

I plan on keeping every organ I can up until the day I die...the Gall! (come on, I had to, can't you see how much restraint I showed up until now?)

And for those of you who took me too seriously in my joking, the tables are turned and the following links are here to help you donate or be tested to donate various stuff...

Hair -

Blood -

Platelets -

Bone Marrow -

Kidney -


  1. Lets see.  Gall Bladder?  Nope.  Lost that in an emergency surgery when I was 21.  

    Appendix?  Nope.  Lost that exactly three weeks later, and should have killed me, if not for the Grace of God.  

    The ability to give blood?  Nope.  Lost that as a kid while my father was honorably serving our Greatest of Nations in Germany...  Seriously, if you've lived any where but here, Canada, and maybe Australia, you more than likely can't give the life saving liquid that the Vampire's crave.  

    Platelets?  See the previous.

    Tonsils?  Still have them.  Which sucks because I've had strep and tonsilitis many more times than I'd have liked.

    Adenoid?  I have all my Noids.  Or is that Droids?  Either way, I still have them.

    Bone Marrow and/or kidneys?  If someone I loved needed some (or one) and I was a match, I don't think I'd hesitate to sacrifice.   Yay for heroism I don't have to prove.

  2. Lol, lol and dare I say... Lol (I did, I did)

  3. For obvious reasons, nobody wants what I got.

    Even the hair-it has to be virgin hair (which means undyed, you pervs.)

    When I die, however, I'm going to offer up my body to science.  So med students buzzing on bootleg Adderall  can mock all my tattoo choices.

  4. Why don't you ever hear people giving up their bodies for tattoo students?




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