Thursday, December 1, 2011

V Club for Men

Vasectomy is such an ugly word.  I decided to call it the V-Club.  No that's not Glee Club, its more like 'Gee I'd like a lot of pain club'! It's the most fun you can have with Peas club.

So much fun I did it twice.  That's right, I'm not just the twice elected president of the V-Club, I'm also a member three times over.  I've met a few guys that have said the first time was unsuccessful.  They went for their test (talk about difficult to study for) and something was still moving, so they had to go in for round 2.  My story was much different, starting with a "I think we should try to have another baby" which parted ways for "I'll never ask you to do that again" which comically lead to "well, I had the baby, the least you can do is get the surgery again"

Yeah, that's like asking if Jean Claude VanDamme can do a split and ratchet a fist into the twins.
You'll thank me later...

So other than a beautiful little girl, what makes a man want to go through 3 surgeries? I mean the first time around, I was doe eyed and innocent. The "pinch" was wrong by a vowel, the local wasn't, the only thing they didn't stretch was the necessity for an athletic not a fan, a jock...not an athlete...a not a fan...

So post-surgery, they tell you a couple of truly stupid things.  The first is one of those moments like when you're reading the anti-diarrhea medicine and one of the side effects is that it may cause loose stools...What do you mean I gotta 'wear a condom?'  What sicko thought this way funny?  I'm feeling like the aftermath of a 'America's Funniest Home Videos' moment and you're talking about sex?  That's certainly one of those "stupid people" moments.  You know, when something sounds so utterly ridiculous that you can't believe anyone would ever do it... like the no sex for 6 weeks after childbirth...DUH!  Well, they only tell you that because some stupid person ACTUALLY DID IT.  "Stupid People Rules," learn 'em, know 'em, live by 'em.
Anyway, so beyond the whole stupid people thing, my first question is... why do I need to protect against something that I just got surgery to protect against?  Well, seems that the procedure only closes the road that brings swimmers to the pool, but it isn't really like a sudden thunderstorm effect to remove the swimmers already in the pool.  So you gotta kick them out of the pool before the pool is ready for a true "adult-swim."  

Work, work, work.

What's the stupidest thing you've ever heard?


  1. Loved  your "kicking the swimmers out of the pool before a true "adult swim'"  analogy.  Awesome wordsmithery.  Yeah, it's a word.  I didn't make it up.  I don't think I did...anyway, nicely written, sir.

  2. High praise from an educator. Wordsmithery is an awesome word, but it is red squiggly underlined so I must have misspelled it.

  3. Wow, one of the stupidest things I've heard is in the same topic. When my beloved had his V-Club induction appointment, he was told, "you will need to perform 20 pool sweepings, then we will check to make sure the pool is truly ready for adult swim".  He responded with, "No prob. I'll see ya next week (he was quite anxious for adult swim, having had such a large kiddie pool for so very long).  He changed his mind rapidly, and had an interesting experience with a home-waxing kit in the process.  I'm still trying to get the waiver to tell THAT story....

  4. OMG, home waxing kit??? I sense a story of 'Something About Mary' proportions!

  5. You did that to yourself three times? Wow... so I guess it's her turn next?

  6. In Yoda the words of,
    "do or do not, there is no try" or paraphrased "there is no try without undo, then redo"
    And she had something equivalent to girl parts on fire, but for another reason.

  7. I will not let Seth anywhere near this post. I have been begging hin to get one of these for years and he says no, no, no.

    I'm in the fetal postition right now and I'm not even a guy.

    "Susan Says..."

  8. And my work here is done...




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