Monday, December 12, 2011

Receipt Receivers

There's just something about holiday shopping.

An opportunity to fellowship with your fellow man, sure!

Bargains waiting around the bend, gimme more of that!

Let's not forget the right to enjoy the company of other peoples' unattended children (in a non creepy Penn State / Syracuse kind of way of course)... awesome!

But there is a blight on this excruciatingly wonderful process...

What is the deal with the "receipt checkers" at some stores?

Please keep Mr. Minimum Wage employed...
Don't they make advanced security systems and little sensors that make them make delightful noises, like squealing unattended children coming down from a sugar high?  Why do I need to show you my receipt?  And don't give me some fantastic story about how you're keeping costs down by preventing theft or some other nonsense.  In the end, you suspect I am a thief.  I stopped getting carded at the liquor store, because they don't want to offend me and my grey foot long nose hairs.

Don't sit down...
They're telling me I am old, stores with receipt checkers are telling me I am a thief...which is more offensive.  Well, theft speaks to character while age is a fact of life.  I particularly resent this at the membership clubs like Costco, Sams, or BJs.  Most of the time I'm getting groceries. Lots of groceries. Bananas enough to feed a gorilla, because they are cheaper. Big platters of meat. Hotdogs like I'm starting a baseball league.  I don't buy jewelry there and the TV I want is too big to fit in my pocket.  That doesn't keep me from messing with checker dude...

 A recap of the things I've said to him on my last trips:

The highlighter makes him look more official
  • "The big screen is in my coat." fairly generic, my first foray into verbal sparring with receipt boy.
  • "Did you get the TV on the bottom of the cart?" I'm going for some misdirection, hopefully he wondered for a moment if he was being overpaid to do a stupid job.
  • "Oh, thank goodness you're here, I thought I was going to have to load my car by myself." Obviously, I'm shooting to deflate his job further.
  • "I had a TV at the checkout, did you take it when I looked away?" Now I'm just going for psychological warfare, his store is silently accusing me of theft, why can't I flip that?
  • "It doesn't say it on the receipt, but I got a free banana because I bought 30." I am hoping he'll stop to count the bananas.
  • (whispered after looking both ways) "Hey, I left that thing in the bathroom...third stall, right?" Well, self-doubt is awesome, so long as you can instill it in others.
  • "they've secretly replaced my coffee with hot chocolate, but I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs, so it's all good." The really loud crazy people get looked at in the car crash kind of way. On the other hand, people look away from the quiet crazy people, maybe I can sneak a TV out next time.  I may have to give him a needy hug to truly sell it, but this may be the way to go.
Looks more like Lady Gaga's IUD
So what ever happened to the gizmos and the people upstairs watching you in the fitting area?
(Train jumping the tracks alert!) Is it a coincidence that the fitting area is where you determine that the dryer hasn't been shrinking all your clothes, and the fitness area is where you go to do something about it?
Is it truly a better security bargain to have Mr. Minimum Wage looking at my receipt? I almost imagine the new Walmart slogan...

WALMART, Where We Hope You Take Stuff and Run.

Have I warned you lately about Sunday afternoon strolls, on Tuesday night, through my mind?


  1. Shopping in store this time of year sucks.  And it isn't just because the blue haired lady at the door wants to check to see if the 50 pound bag of dog food at the bottom of your cart is on your receipt.  

    No, it sucks because too many people are out trying to find that 'perfect' gift while forgetting things such as common courtesy.  As someone who used to work at a retail store at Christmas, I've personally seen a 300+ pound mullet wearing redneck knock down a 90 pound grey haired grandma to snatch up a Tickle-me-Elmo-or-whatever-the-toy-du-jour-was without even stopping to check to see if she was ok.  While I don't think he did it on purpose, he certainly couldn't be bothered to slow down to help her up.

  2. Well as someone who worked retail before that, I recall being run over by same said grey haired lady who was racing for the 5 Cabbage Patch dolls we had at Bradlees.
    I was stacking 10w30 oil and literally was knocked into the stack.




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