Thursday, December 22, 2011

New Year's Disillusions

It's almost that time of the year... No, not the Yule log and hanging stockings and lights on trees, it's after that.  I'm certainly not talking about drinking too much and pretending like you are ok to drive home... Or am I?

It's the time of the year when people start making New Year's Resolutions.

So what do you think are the most frequent resolutions?  My guess is probably weight loss, but I can guarantee what most people's FIRST resolution of the new year is:

"I'm never drinking that much again!"



I'm too old for this...


Here is a list of some of the loftier goals set by some each year and how long they will last.

  • Lose weight - this person will be at the Gym for a month...maybe. Reality is turning a case into a six pack isn't an overnight process unlike drinking a case down to a six pack.
  • Get fit - same with this person.
  • Stop smoking - sure, the stress of the holidays is over now, until the credit card bills arrive.
  • Get a better job, promoted, or get a raise - unfortunately people are often in such a hurry to do this that they end up with a job they dislike equally.
  • Drink less - usually followed with a "I've been a Saint, I should reward myself" about a month later.
  • Take a trip - hopefully you'll get out beyond your normal borders, I think getting a passport is a lofty new year goal.  Have you seen how long that takes? 
  • Learn something new - going back to school is a lofty goal, but expensive and people forget how bad doing papers sucks.
  • Read through the bible - How many people think they're going to make it?  This is like a Tom Clancy novel on steroids people.  Leviticus or Numbers usually stops most attempts.
  • Save money - did I mention the credit card bills with all the holiday spending?
  • Charity and volunteering - likely you'll give some money to the salvation army or maybe work a Saturday in a soup kitchen, which if you did nothing the year before is a 100% improvement, but unlikely to become a habit.
  • Watch less TV - seriously? With like 3 quadrillion channels all in High Def and in 3D... It's just unlikely.  What I did was decide to DVR everything, then watch it off there.  Then I control the schedule, the commercials, and can delete if I don't like it and watch something else.
  • Read more - awesome, you'll spend more time comparing the Kindle and the Nook to figure out which is better and that alone will take you into the 2nd quarter of the year.
  • Stress less - have you seen the holiday bills yet? That big honkin TV isn't paying for itself, though you probably pitched it's energy savings to your other half, didn't you?

Now I'm not saying these are unattainable goals, they all are admirable and attainable.  Our problem is we treat resolution time like a trip to the mall.  We want to fit into all of them and be able to afford them all.  Problem is that we can't.  We treat New Years Resolutions like our bucket list and we are dying in a year.  We've disillusioned ourselves into thinking we can do it all.

How about these "easier resolutions" you'll never see?

  • Smoke more cigarettes with you Hi Balls.
  • Learn how to avoid sobriety checkpoints
  • Strive to be fired, self-employment is the way to go.
  • Set a Guinness book of world records for longest time spent sitting on the toilet watching infomercials.
  • Put on a few love handles
  • Learn how to buy a gym membership and share it with others for a fee.
  • Become somebody's baby daddy for the seventh time.
  • Enjoy some prison time.
  • Friends are expensive, figure out which ones you don't like and cut them loose.  Keep the rich ones of course.
  • Start a collection of Gideon Bibles stolen from hotel rooms.

 Why do our resolutions have to look like bucket lists? Why can't we start small? This year obviously is different with a limited window until 12/21/2012 when the world ends. So our list this year SHOULD look like our bucket list.
And why do we have to start at New Years? Isn't it always a good time to get in better shape?  Or do we limit ourselves like resolutions are the open-enrollment of the non-work world.  Oh darn, missed another year to start getting in shape... I don't think so.  I used to laugh when people would start packing into the cheap gym I went to around March of each year.  Same people would be gone by June, and it wasn't because they looked great in a bikini.  I'm not saying you gotta join a gym, I'm saying be serious and see it through.  Don't conquer the world next year, conquer your house or your body.

I'm planning to hold all my resolutions back and do Chinese New Year's Resolutions because I get to wait until January 23rd this time around, which should eliminate all the drunken resolutions that frankly I'm just not going to keep.  As an added bonus, the Chinese year rolls until February 9th of 2013 (provided the crazy Aztecs weren't right of course, or was it the Mayans?) which gives me extra days (like 17 of them!) AND as an added bonus, I will have that other New Year on January 1st of 2013 to remind me to finish all my resolutions! That's 40 days more after the reminder than the rest of you are going to get!  It is great to be Asian!

Oh, and because I love you, it was the Mayans (hopefully you didn't start reading from the end, in which case..the butler did it!)

End of the World Machine?

Oh, and it's soon to be The Year of the Dragon! Enter the Dragon!
Bruce Lee, the Dragon...


  1. You see many interpretations of a handful of resolutions. Notably the "getting fit" or "getting in shape"

    My resolution is just to survive this year if it going to be year of the "side kicks to the head". Chuck Norris lost in that movie, and he lost. And if Chuck Norris loses, we all lose.

  2. I'm glad that you caught that. I could have just gone with improve myself, improve myself, improve myself...but I just did some random google searches for resolutions and created an average of them.
    I have not heard of this Chuck Norris loses movie? I refuse to believe it exists until Chuck personally kicks it into my head...

  3. That movie just goes to show you how awesome an actor Chuck Norris is...  He sure made it look like Bruce Lee won, when we all know that there is no way that anyone, save God himself, could possibly even come close to even possibly come close to even possibly come close to beating Chuck Norris...

    Because, as we all know, Bruce Lee won the fight in the movie...  And then he got cocky...  and then he felt the mighty wrath of Chuck Norris' vengeance.  Actors act, until they piss off Chuck Norris.

  4. My resolution this year is to come up with a resolution that I can totally accomplish.  Like drink more water.  Which, of course, would not be a bucket list resolution, because the Mayans are all dead now.  If they didn't see that coming, how are we supposed to take them seriously about 2012?  I mean, if some meteorologist says that the Earth is going to be like 500 degrees warmer in 600 years, but can't get the forecast right for three days from now, you wouldn't worry about 600 years from now, right?  If they can't get the intermediate stuff right, how can we trust them for the way far out stuff?

    And my resolution for last year was to not make a resolution.  I so totally succeeded!

  5. I must come up with snarky resolutions. See, NOW I have a resolution.

  6. Which one of them is dead? I'm not sayin' I'm just sayin'... You know?

  7. Dude, I so totally make that resolution every year and clearly I fail (because I make the resolution to not make the resolution). perhaps this year I will resolve to make only ONE resolution... There can be only one! (Highlander).

    And I don't trust meteorologists, especially dead Mayan meteorologists.




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