Sunday, December 4, 2011

How to Properly Grow Squirrel Cocaine

Well, I have your attention now! And you're about to read a gardening article...and LIKE IT!

Have you ever planted Tulips and got a flagging big lot of nothing?  In case you haven't put two and four together, Tulips are Squirrel Crack.  Skippy will sniff 'em out, dig 'em up, and grill 'em up on the barbie (if he's an Aussie squirrel anyway).  All the while, he'll be laughing like the gopher on Caddyshack! 

Its the time of year to be planting bulbs in the garden for a nice spring show and Skippy can't wait for lunch to be served.  He will dig up your treasure and have a snack.  He knows you're going to plant again next year, cause you want the glorious show!

Squirrel crack! 

Riding' the Tulip Pony!

Beam me up, squirrelly!

Tulip Balls of Glory!

Flower Flave!

Pastel Candy

Gotta start on the ground with some fairly well draining dirt.  That's code for don't plant in a bog or a swamp.  Bulbs can rot where you plant them.

Bet you know what comes next?

That's right, to quote every good mobster movie...dig a hole!  I don't use the bulb planter tool, I prefer an auger bit on a drill.  As seen in the picture, the auger bit is about 1" in diameter, perhaps you can find a bigger diameter, because you'll need to work to get a big enough or deep enough hole.  How do you know if the hole is deep enough? Well, if a Texan is staring up at you (because you're planting in China silly) keep digging.  Seriously, you're shooting for 6-8" and you can't get that from the circular bulb planting tool.

Gopher hole? I think that looks like a Tulip hole. Be careful, they bite.
Why are you watering the bulbs? Well, you see, the squirrel can smell Tulip Bulbs like you smell fresh bread or brewing coffee.  Part of the task is to throw shorty's nose into thinking "these are not the bulbs you are looking for...". We will accomplish that with powdered cayenne pepper and blood meal, but we need it to stick. Much like making fried chicken, we got to make it wet so the "batter" sticks.

The mixture I'm going for is about 3/4 Blood Meal to 1/4 Cayenne Red Pepper.  I get that mixed up in a container and then after I get enough holes dug, I can drop my bulbs into the cold water, then roll them around in the mixture. Just like making chicken, really freakin' hot chicken!

As Snoop Dogg says, Drop it like it's hot...with all that cayenne pepper it most certainly is! As you can see from the picture, you can't see the bulb that is in the hole. (the Texan is holding it up) In case I didn't mention it, the pointy side goes up.
Next, because the blood meal/cayenne pepper mix won't last forever, we have to implement phase two. Skippy is going to try to dig up the bulb if he smells it.  Some will attempt to use chicken wire, but I find that a bit tricky in that you can do it if nothing else has been planted.  I prefer gravel.  Skippy is going to find digging through gravel as a it difficult.  So we are going to add about 2-3" of gravel on top of the bulb.  This should deter him sufficiently from digging down to the gold.

Last, with any great undertaken, something should end up on the angry end of your boot.  Push the dirt that was previously dug out of the hole back in and give the whole thing a good stomp.

Last step, Skippy has a sick sense for when you've disturbed the ground.  It's like he's some land surveyor and he knows every hill and valley.  We have to make him look away from our recent burying. Another good use for our Cajun bulb mix is to dust the areas around the fresh holes. This won't last forever, but should last long enough to put Skippy off the trail.

So, thus endeth my lesson.  I hope thus will bring many years of Tulip color to your garden.


  1. Or, you could get yourself a 12-year-old boy, who will gladly shoot the squirrels with an air-soft gun, ala some deranged Caddyshack sniper. (Don't worry, the neighbors will never know, the Boy can make an effective silencer out of common household items.) Then, you could make your OWN taxidermied squirrel, getting one step closer to your posable taxidermied squirrel army. And THEN, you can use a taxidermied squirrel as a warning to the other squirrels....wait, can squirrels read?!?!?  Shit, I need my coffee...sorry.  :::sheepishly schleps to kitchen:::

    (I REALLY want a taxidermied squirrel army)

  2. Holy Cow, I remember what I was like with an air rifle. I about wet myself with the taxidermy squirrel army!

  3. Pinky: Gee Brain, what are we going to do tonight?
    Brain: The same thing we do every night Pinky...  Take over the World!
    Pinky: How Brain?

    Brain: First step: Acquire a suitable Squirrel Army...
    Second step: Develop a laser that fits on their heads...
    Final step: Take over the World!

  4. Note to self, do not let JaysRamblings and FearlessFibro sit together at the Itsmynd "greatest blog ever" luncheon...

  5. OMG. When Sky King leaves me for obvious reasons, you totes have to set me up with Jays!

  6. Sky King can't leave you, it's a blog rule an I am king...

    Both of you are on my reading roll on the side of my blog, ahem, I wonder if I am similarly linked, ahem (gotta get this cough looked at) so you should read the other.
    Sent from my iPad

  7. Way to preserve your mysterious gardening ways for posterity there, Super Gardener!

  8. From a victim, err, satisfied customer of said tactic and then beneficiary of beautiful flowers... Thanks Elaine.

  9. One question just came to me.  What happens if you have Cajun Squirrels?  Shirley the cayenne won't deter them.  

    Though Gambit squirrels would make the squirrel army just that much better!

  10. I don't have a squirrel army...and don't call me Shirley!

  11. And with that kind of attitude, you won't ever get one...

  12. Of course, Mr TB. maybe some antibiotics, or if you need the hard stuff, meet me in a dark alley...




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