Friday, December 16, 2011

Half-Vast Ideas

A wise man once said:
"Don't start V A S T  projects with half-vast ideas!"
In that spirit, I bring you the truly random.  Things that pass through my head.  Some of these were aided by others along the way and credit has been given where due.  I'm not hoping to sound like Andy Rooney here,
but I just might wonder why.

How do you throw away a trash can?  I've tried.  Garbage men ignore them.  I tried putting the decrepit old trash can out at the curb empty.  I'm sure there were some puzzled looks, but it didn't seem to have moved later that day after the rest of the trash was taken.  I put a sign on it that said "This is Trash!" and I imagine there was quite the "Who's on first" moment where they still didn't see any trash in the can, but they took the sign, since it was obviously trash.  The next trash day, I put another sign that said "Please Take This!" and as you can imagine, when I arrived home, the sign was gone.  I think they're just messing with me now.  I could simply put a better sign that says "The Trash Can is Trash, Please take the trash can!" but I can't take any more rejection so I am going to mark it as an heirloom and pass it on to my children (like we do all the trash in the landfills where it would end up anyway).  Or I could go all  "slasher movie" on it and cut it into small pieces and put it in a non-biodegradable trash bag and leave that out with a note that says "The Garbage Man made me do it!"

Why do Geese fly in a V shape? (Question courtesy of Teenwolf)
Jay of JaysRamblings notes that it is simply because an E is too complicated. Now, doubtless some of you went to the Disney movie, but hockey is played on ice and Geese migrate away from the cold, but are often found in "warmer" climates on the ice, but not in a V formation, so clearly...NO!
I'm going to say they have (like all of us) seen Top Gun and heard ... "I'm NOT leaving my wing-man"
So, do you think the Goose in the front ever says to himself ...
"I'll hit the brakes and they'll fly right by?"
(Clearly not, since Goose wasn't the pilot)
Tangent Alert: Did you remember that Maverick's "real name" was Pete Mitchell, but who knew that it was Nick "Goose" Bradshaw? Yeah, me neither.  And now back to your regularly scheduled cosign.
But why in a V and not a straight line?  Let's think about the view for a minute.
Who do you think decides who gets to fly in front?  Is there an Alpha-Goose? (I've heard of Gizmo Duck and Darkwing Duck, but not Alpha-Goose)  Is there a pecking order (see what I did there?)  Or does it start like a slow clap?

Which way DOES it go?
So wrong?
Which way does a Toilet paper roll unwind? Clearly I am tackling head-y stuff (see what I did there?)  I always feel like the Thinker when I am in there anyway, only without the stone pedestal.  I've always been a hangs in the front kind of guy ... toilet paper (really? stay with me)  I grew up in a "front" house and I married a "front" girl.  We have kids and though we would shake our head mightily (again, see what I did there?) we plan to allow them to make this choice on their own.  While we're in the bathroom (and I don't like it any more than you do-do)

What is the natural condition of the Toilet seat? I can't believe I'm going to say this...but (the punishment continues) I'm going to have to go with DOWN.  Let me explain:

I'm not using anything
that looks like a water fountain!
3 out of 4 dentists positions support this.  Women sit down for both, Men sit down for one (or they better only sit for one or lose their Man-Card!)
Gravity says anything other than all the way open and leaning against the tank... the seat is falling down.  Even when it appears to be all the way open and leaning against the tank, have you ever had it fall down in mid-relief (not the pitcher in baseball) - can I get a show of hands?  Yeah, none of them are women.  If we don't have gravity, the seat can stay up, but the water would also not stay IN the bowl... completely unheard of...except in France where they have that stupid Bidet thing. Tangerine Alert: I haven't seen a seat on any bidets, so clearly gravity doesn't occur in their presence? Now back to the Orange. So I'm going to have to put it back down.  Oh, and don't be one of those guys who think your aim is that good that you can leave the seat down.

whose head appears
to be an Altoids box
What's with the weird stuff I gotta type to comment on blogs? Since we are close to the end of the post, I want to discuss post comment verification.  Who thinks up these words?  I have over the course of the past two days typed the following "words": suctbing, Tilipis, fructgen to name a few.  Some sites have two words in the most insane lettering ever.  Now the premise of this is good, they don't want spam robots, aka SpamBots, to litter our blogs and other parts of the internet with links to Viagra and lonely women (or both).  The smarter these bots get, the smarter the technology to outsmart them gets.  So now we get to learn new words in new and crazy fonts.  I like to make a game of it, like the old Balderdash.  I will occasionally upon seeing a weird word, add it to my blog response and give it a definition.  I think know it makes me look weird smarter to the post author.
What? I want to write my blog in this drunken font!
Is this Rolling Hills font?

I could so go into the driving on the parkway and parking on the driveway, but it's been done before.

I know what you're thinking... Visionary, vision is scary...

Vanilla Ice was never this scary,
except when he had that stupid goatee... wait.


  1. "You do-do" made me spray my Diet Coke on the screen. Funny stuff...and I have wondered about those verification words, too. Do you think a person thinks them up as in people sitting in a room with a pad and paper and when they come up with a good one, thay all high five each other?

  2. Seriously, I got vacatac earlier. When hoovers go bad?

  3. Toilet Paper in front +1
    Toilet seat down, but I close the lid as well. Everybody has to lift something, no winners, no losers. Plus, it stops the random splash escaping when flushing.

  4. Oh, I like that Rusty, lid down...everyone has to lift. How violent is your toilet though that you must contain its splashes? When I listen to a seashell, is it your toilet I really hear?

  5. I'm not sure that it really matters with the toilet paper.  It's not like one side is better at wiping the, well, stuff, than the other.  

    Unless there is some grand conspiracy that some people now about one particular side having more wipe-ability than the other, like how scotch tape is only sticky on one side.  Is there?  

    If there is, why can't I be in the Illuminati of Toilet Paper.  I can bring punch or something to the super secret meetings.  Is the secret handshake a flushing motion than a washing the hands movement?  It is, isn't it?

  6. Alright everybody, Secret-Toilet-Paper-Illuminati meeting at my house tonight. We'll need to vote to let Jay into the STPI or have him killed and mummified in toilet paper (rolled from head to toe (because the other way was just ridiculous) as decided in our last meeting)
    I understand his punch tastes a lot like pretty good beer, so I am open to his membership.
    That is IF there is said Illuminati of TP (with TPS reports)




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