Thursday, December 8, 2011


Can I Google that for you?  

These are evil words spoken by IT people.  They are the ultimate slapdown that they will snicker about later.  What they are saying in essence is that they could spend time for you on something that you could probably do a search on the internet for. (hanging preposition!)

And as bad as it appears to be when used on mere mortal users, it becomes a Greek Tragedy when used on another IT professional.

She's thinking "Why didn't I just Google it?"

You don't have to be the best Eugooglizer to use the interwebs newest verb. Did Microsoft really think we were going to "Bing" stuff?  Come On!  Zoolander said it best, " Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogalizor I am... A eugoogalizor, one who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was?"

Not nearly the best Eugooglizer!
Did you know there is a website built for Googling, no really... and I don't mean Google?  I will not only show you the site, but I will show you how it works.  Just click the link below:

It's just cruel. I love it.  Amaze your friends when they ask you ridiculous questions.
I'm an IT guy, and though I don't snicker at you, I do resent a general lack of effort on your part.  I sense the fear on your part because computers are scary.  They contain larger and larger parts of your life:
  • Pictures
  • Music
  • Letters cancelling credit cards
  • Emails
  • Emails with attachments (see Pictures, Music)
  • Movies
  • Personally Identifiable Information (PII)
When bad things happen to good computers, next Geraldo.  I get that things happen.  I'd like to postulate that those things...the computer didn't do it to itself.  Here is my top ten for keeping bad things from happening to good computers, Letterman style.

10. Children - from the time they slime up the keyboard with Cheetos and Peanut Butter until they become adults, they aren't responsible. Keep them away.
9. Pop-ups - don't click them.  Don't even click the thing IN them that says "Close Me"  it is silently whispering, "it's too good to be true"...
8. Email - No, grandma didn't just send me naked pictures of Brittany Spears.  Why would you think anyone else would?
7. Anti-Virus - have it, update it.  Whether you pay for some grand package or you use what I use which is AVG Free, it is reprehensible not to have updated Anti-Virus.  Also, don't let one expire and just install a different one.  Anti-Virus programs don't like that.
6. Anti-Spyware - I don't believe in having tons of things running in the background, but I always have either Ad-Aware or Spybot installed and ready to be updated.  I will typically update and run a full scan at bedtime once a month or so.  But then I have Children, see #10.
5. Stop surfing porn. If you feel the need to read past those three sage words, bear in mind that more computer viruses come from porn sites than any other genre.
4. Stop Installing Stuff. I regularly counsel people on how installing, uninstalling and reinstalling leaves garbage on your computer.  If you aren't prepared to re-install your operating system once a year or so, you shouldn't be gung-ho to try every free program that comes along.  Get something like C-Cleaner and run it against your sure to backup whatever it wants to remove.
3. Backup - Hammer-time. Seriously folks, nothing says devastation like a computer virus or hard drive crash.  Nothing says Epic Despondency like realizing your pictures from your kids lives are gone.  Know what you have and how much it is worth to you.  My pictures are arranged by year and then by event (don't judge me) and each year around March I burn a DVD or two of the previous year's pictures.  It goes into my firebox.  If you don't have a firebox, get one.  Safety Deposit boxes at the bank are ridiculously cheap, albeit far away and requiring special trips INSIDE the bank, GASP!  But Scott, what about if your hard drive crashes in June and you lose 6 months of pictures including Great Grandma's last birthday...Get a portable hard drive and copy stuff over.  THAT is something to ask your favorite IT guy how to do.  They love an ounce of prevention, rather than you asking them to recover stuff.
2. Stop being gullible.  Nothing is free (except the aforementioned AVG)
1. Turn it off.  If you have gotten to this part of the list and can't see anything wrong...  there is a saying in poker that goes "Within 10 minutes you should be able to spot the sucker, if you haven't spotted them, you ARE the sucker"

Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.
If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

 Sad... Yes... Don't be that guy who thinks the proverbial gasoline fight would be fun.


  1. Excellent post. I sent a link to my husband for his computer edification. All great advice which we will adhere to except the porn surfig (kidding).

    And my favorite two lines  are, of course: "It's just cruel. I love it." Small wonder I enjoyed that since my post today is about a penis in a jar.

    "Susan Says..."

  2. Bah, if my computer starts acting funny, I'll just take it to my favorite IT guy and have him fix it... (Ooh, ellipses!).

    And, considering my last computer lasted about 5 times longer than most do, I'd say that my favorite IT guy is quite capable of making sure it runs.

  3. He sounds incredible!

  4. That was a bit scary, you made me flinch and cross my legs.

  5. I finally got an external hard drive AND carbonite subscription, AFTER two crashes, and a computer that my extended warranty wouldn't fix.  Since I'm already married, I made my sister marry an IT guy, so now I do what he says, and no one gets hurt.
    He even wipes the clown porn off my hard drive.

  6. And you read thebloggess so you find the best clown porn...

  7. Surfing porn is a terrible idea, but there are safe porn sites. Trust me, I've done a lot of research. I am also guilty of clicking the x button on the pop-ups. I guess I'll stop doing that. I was surprised to hear you say AVG because some of you techies  have a low opinion of it. It's what I use myself, along with Spybot, and I've found it to be okay.

  8. A "lot" of research? Lol.
    I've never had a virus bring a payload of destruction. I've used AVG for seems like 10 years.
    The X button on pop-ups isn't necessarily bad, it's often masked by another. If you can right click on the associated tab on the bottom and close it, that is pretty reliable.
    Thanks for your comment!




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