Friday, November 18, 2011

The Threats My Body Hears

Ever have that moment when as you are driving to the Doctor's office that you don't feel that bad?

That was my Tuesday.  Plagued by sinus issues to the point of a migraine headache on Sunday night, I felt a bit better on Monday, but my Monday night was ruined by another headache.  This one wasn't quite as bad, but it was clear that it was DEEEEEEEP in my sinuses.  No, I'm not a doctor, but I play a Vet on TV.  And when I say TV, I mean the box the TV came in (yes, if I can fit my melon in there, you know it ain't a flat screen).  BTW, Goodwill doesn't take tube televisions anymore.  Apparently even the poorer people have to pony up money for a flat screen.

Anyway, Tuesday came and I still hadn't made a miraculous recovery so I made the promise to my wife that I would go to the Doctor.

Imagine my disgust when I made the appointment and as I left the office for the 5 minute trip to the doctor, I realized that I might actually feel better.  I am a bit weird that way, its like opposite white-coat syndrome.  I panic using the blood pressure cuff at the local supermarket. Don't they realize that when they squeeze your arm like that it makes the pressure go up?

Now, take me to the bones and I'm cool as a cucumber straight out of the fridge.  I sat there on the table thinking "I'm wasting the doctor's time!"  Then I had that moment that should be normal panic, only it was horribly messed up panic. 

Yeah, here was my thought:

"What if I really AM sick and the doctor doesn't realize it and I don't get any medicine for my illness / infection / plague??!!??"

But of course, it gets worse...

"I'll tell the doctor that I still feel the way I felt on Sunday and Monday night."

Billy Mays: But wait, order now and you can receive...

"What if the doctor can tell I'm not being truthful and doesn't give me medicine for my illness / infection / plague?"

So as my mind rattled through all its bad options about how I wasn't going to get medicine or worse, I'll have to pay the "lying to the doctor" fee, which of course is one of many that isn't covered by insurance....the doctor came in.

Turns out the cough I've had for the last month (which I am pretty sure was an allergic reaction to our uncovered down comforter) peeked her interest far more than my head.  What is truly hysterical is that they shine the light up your nose and in your ears (and don't look for it coming out the other side) and then they do that ridiculous tapping.

Dr.:"How does that feel?"
Me: "Like you're tapping on my head..."
Dr.: "Any pain?"
Me: "I don't usually tap on my face, especially when healthy, so how would I know if it is more or less painful than this."

That conversation came strictly out of my sinus and may not bear accurate representation of what went down.

Suffice it to say I got my Anti-biotic... Zithromax.  which sounds cool so I was excited. I, of course, read all the documentation that came with it to include my own personal chemistry lesson (pictured to the right, this is either the Colonels Secret Recipe or the wiring on my Chevrolet). I imagine that reading one of these documents is like reading software licensing. For all I know it could say the same thing. I imagine that Microsoft Windows licensing, my Zithromax prescription, automobile insurance, pet shampoo, and iPhone warranties all carry the same basic disclaimers. Things like, "may cause diarrhea," "test on discrete area," and "avoid driving while using this product" as well as "may cause sleeplessness" and "prolonged exposure may result in discoloration" and finally "void where prohibited." (Which if you think about it, is a commandment to go to the bathroom just about anywhere that is frowned upon!)

So being the good patient, I took my two red pills...

Morpheus: You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

Apparently, rabbit-holes make me nauseous and almost want to puke... It didn't caution me about that in the instruction novel!!



  1. That was hi-larious! I think we all think somewhat alike.

     I am going to steal, "It feels like you're tapping on my head," next time the doctr does that and asks. Not that I ever go to the doctor...I prefer to worry that I am dying than actually take care of the situation.

    Feel better!

  2. Yes, I often choose to worry on a broader chicken-little scale as well.




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