Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Smack Talk Rules

From the people who brought you Man Card Rules comes the new Smack Talk Rules!

Tell me what these pictures have to do with Smack Talk?

If you guessed the victor (Victor 'go Hugo or go home'), the loser (the new face of The Biggest Loser, Anna Kournikova), or the jerk (Steve Martin in the movie of the same name) you win a prize! Now the big question is which one are you?

First let's talk about the pre-game smack

Rule number one of Smack Talk is: It takes two to tango! if you're the only one talking, nobody cares. Stop talking Steve! Talking about how Fischer owns Spassky is not only old news, but likely to get you some funny looks if you bring that up at a football game. You have to have someone willing to smack back. No, I'm not referring to the big guy with Barbeque sauce on his shirt that outweighs you by 100lbs and tells you to shut up. That is not smack talk, that is a warning.

Rule number two is Don't make enemies of your friends!. If you're in this to be the jerk, well, you're succeeding. Personal attacks against friends should be limited depending upon how good the friend is.

Rule number three of the Talque De Smaque is Don't procrastinate the prognosticate!. You can't claim knowing the outcome of something after it has happened unless you claim it before it happened.

Then there's the post-game smack.

There is a near perfect 1:1 ratio of pre to post!

Another rule of Smack Talk is Don't prognosticate the past! Listen Mr. Hugo, in case you weren't paying attention, saying that you knew the Rams would beat the Saints without saying you knew the Rams would beat the Saints isn't really prognostication.

Yet another rule of Smack Talk is Know when to say when and I'm not talking alcohol. Piling on is a 15 yard unnecessary roughness penalty.

Some examples for you:

In bad taste "You're going down like Frazier in Manila (if you don't get it, Google: Cosell, Frazier, Thrilla)"
Classic "the (enter opposing team here) is going down like a $2 street walker"
Weak "you're going down like a broken elevator" (yeah, I can make a case for classic, but if I have to make a case...not classic)
Lame "oh yeah", "your momma"
Did You Taste It? "You're going down like a hot dog at Coney Island"
Classic "We'll beat you like a red-headed step child"
Classic "You're going down like a Twinkie at Kirstie Alley's house
Lame "we're gonna win"

Now, Anna isn't innocent and we have rules governing losing.

Grace is a virtue! You lost. Expect the smack talk. Would you be delivering fresh smack-jacks if the tables were turned? I think so. Expect a proportional response to the amount of pre-game smack delivered.

Are we done? I think not! Special cases are as follows:

1. If you told the world that the Yankees would beat the Sox hands down 3 to zilch in a best of 5 series, the world can deliver smack back if any scenario other than the skunk happens. I don't care if the Yankees take it 3-2, you'll have earned some abuse. The louder you are, the harder you fall. The woman in your office who isn't a sports fan can give you the business if she wants.

2. If two agree, there is no smack. If I agree that my team is likely to lose to yours, all smack is off. I don't like that both the Yankees and Sox beat the Orioles, but they outspend them, so really they bought what they deserved.


  1. So you aren't a fan of the more cerebral smack talk, then?  I find it works rather well, myself.  If the big dumb Yankees fan has to stop and think  (or better yet ask his buddy) why the Yanks have more in common with Bernie Madoff than Babe Ruth, then you've already won.  Add the probable comeback of "Yeah, well you suck" is just the icing on the cake.

  2. One of the dumbest things you can do while attempting the smack down is to refer to transport.

    "Prepare for the train of pain!"






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