Thursday, November 3, 2011

America, where we read ALL the letters

I have to admit being a bit of a redneck, and not the cute Jeff Foxworthy kind of redneck (no, I don't think I just called him cute). Could be because I was born in Georgia or possibly I just think it's cool.

In Redneck America (that's the George W, Ah-muri-Ca) we pronounce all the letters. Go ahead try it.

Gourmet = gore-met
Beret = bear-et, like what you put in a little girl's hair.
Diaphragm = die-ap-her-age-em
Chick-fil-a = (duh) chick-fill-a

The Diaphragm is a funny muscle. (you thought I was going all birth control, what?) My wife and kids have a weak diaphragm. When my wife sneezes it sounds like Minnie Mouse spreading pixie dust. When she throws up it is akin to a small mountain stream cascading over a pebble.

Honestly, I can't relate.

When I sneeze at the ocean, the tide goes out no matter what time it is. When I throw up, the richter scale is consulted. I threw up in a hotel once and was so loud that people two floors away complained. You'd think this would make me the most interesting man in the world, but wouldn't you know the Dos Equis guy lights that lamp. I think it still makes me the most interesting man in the for when Dos Equis boy is in town.

Having a powerful diaphragm isn't all it is cracked up to be. I'm pretty sure that internal pressures of that rascal lead to a hernia. Did you know there are more than one kind of hernia? There is the straining kind and the genetic kind.

Hernias suck. They lead to surgery. Surgery leads to recovery. Recovery leads to Percocet. Percocet leads to really mean spirited emails. The recovery for a hernia is roughly akin to recovery from a C section. I couldn't lift more than a half gallon of milk for like a month and I had to avoid any other strenuous activity including horizontal mambo. Yeah, really good thing I had no kid wanting to breast feed and keep me up all night. My wife wins that one. What truly sucks is that only one side had the hernia, so I could be looking at another one down the road.


  1. I truly hope you have no further sneezes, lift only with the knees, and avoid all virus and bacteria so as to try and prevent further herinii.  Luckily I've, thus far, avoided hernias, but it is something that I want no part of.  Like France or exercise.

    And I do laugh every time I hear your wife sneeze, really a funny thing.

  2. Yes, pixie dust is scattered when your wife sneezes her little "ah-choos". As to your southern status, you are about as southern as Irish people are European. You may be from the place, but you're missing that certain "je ne sais quoi" that holds the spirit of the status. Not enough y'all in your drawl, if you see what I mean.




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