Friday, September 9, 2011

Impossibly Half-Empty Glass

Friend: Scott, you seem to be a 'glass is half empty' kind of guy?
Me: impossible! I'm often a cynical pessimist with an Eeyore complex, but glass half empty I'm not.
Friend: do I want to know?

That seems like the question lately as more people seemingly ask me to throw open the doors of my brain and put out a welcome mat. Well I warned you that more than just icky spiders live there...

So imagine a full glass of milk (I reserve the right now to use all references to crying over any spillage, as well as any nose-milk examples)

I'm sorry I don't see you envisioning!

Let's say that it holds 12oz and no more and it has a full 12oz brimming to the very top such that any slight tremor will undoubtedly cause spillage and the aforementioned crying. So as everyone can deduce, half of that is going to be roughly 12 Oreos, I mean 6oz. To prove I can do math, we would multiply our 12 by .5 (or 1/2 for you fractioneers) which neatly gives us 6.

12 * .5 = 6

Go ahead use your calculator like the school said you could, I can wait.

They said you could use it.
Because they wanted to get to more
difficult stuff... Like playing the
Cool games!

Yes input that into your calculator as a function and it should give you 23.

Are you done checking math? Can we agree on 6?

Ok now similarly we take the same glass that can hold 12oz and we empty it. Those of you with issues can also wash and dry it. You want it Empty. Now using the same mathematical wizardry, we show that:

0 * .5 = 0

WHOA! so half of empty is empty? How depressing!

We cynical pessimists knew that all along.

So before you go crying over the spilled milk when someone tells you that irregardless of your opinion, there is a glass half empty, just say "riiiiight" and move on.

Use of poor English intended, some restrictions apply.

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